


The Cottage on the North Sea

by xXxVioletSkyxXx



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 1980, Canon Compliant, F/M, In Hiding, Marauder's Era, Original Order of the Phoenix - Freeform, Pregnancy, headcanons
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2018-05-16 19:47:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 34,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5838634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xXxVioletSkyxXx/pseuds/xXxVioletSkyxXx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A snapshot on an unfortunate January spent in a cottage on the North Sea while in hiding from Lord Voldemort, Lily Potter learned how to manage in a world where most failed to simply live. It was a special kind of bravery to wait on the sidelines when loved ones were on the front lines, and while Lily had courage to spare- it can be said that the waiting nearly killed her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

A snapshot on an unfortunate January spent in a cottage on the North Sea while in hiding from Lord Voldemort, Lily Potter learns how to manage and how to live in a world where most failed to simply live. It was a special kind of bravery to wait on the sidelines when loved ones were on the front lines, and while Lily had courage to spare- it can be said that the waiting nearly killed her.

Chapter One

…

Lily looked at the calendar hanging on the wall, a pen in her hand. She wasn't completely sure that it was indeed, January 10th. She couldn't remember if she had crossed off the January 9th yesterday or the day before.

There was no way to know, and it didn't matter anyways, but the thought of being so disconnected from the outside world that she didn't even know the date unsettled her. Every day sitting here was the same to her, a long string of days that began and ended the same, the same meaningless filler in between. Eating, resting, walking; feeding the fire James had set in the early morning. Hiding in the house at the end of the world, their little cottage on the North sea. 

It had been a cold January, the mist rising from the ocean below her made everything humid before freezing during the nighttime hours.

Her little house was often cold, even with the fire lit and the drafts shut. It was, quite technically, a Muggle holiday home on the east coast of Scotland. A cottage on the cliffs crusted with salt and filled with the smell of the sea. Wild grasses and flowers dotted the landscape in summer, but this deep into winter ice drives into the house and collects in the doorway, frosts the windows and carries the chill in heavy winds. James did as much as he could with magic to seal the nooks and crannies, but in the end they stuffed rags and bits of flannel into cracks and dressed warm. It was small, their house. Barely big enough for the Marauders, but more than big enough for them. She and James had hung curtains and moved in familiar furniture from her room in her parents house, painted the walls and made polaroid collages in the sitting room. Her record player sat in the kitchen, and they listened to the Beatles and Fleetwood Mac, and James’ scratched Pink Floyd record that skipped between Speak to Me and Breathe and hadn’t played the second side since sixth year. They drank scalding Earl Grey with too much sugar and slept until noon when James was home. They had friends over when they needed the company and spent nights in each others arms, the still, misty air of the ocean hanging above them like fairies in the moonlight.

James was still working for the Order, still pulling missions and attending meetings back in London. It was dangerous, he knew it better than most, but the thought of waiting while others were fighting was too much to bear. He was gone for weeks at a time, always secretive, and never resolved quickly. Voldemort was getting more and more powerful, and although their numbers within the Order were increasing, they really didn't have much of a choice in backing down. Some were saying they were outnumbered fourteen to one, Death Eaters to members of the Order, and friends were falling every day; Fabian and Gideon had died less than a month before. The war had to end, too many had died hoping to see it for themselves and James would die rather than prove them wrong.

But that world and hers in her cottage by the sea seemed completely separate, there was no war here- no one fought and died in her vicinity. Nobody knew her here, indeed, no one knew that their little house existed at all with so many protective enchantments on it. Both to keep her in and others out, and Lily strained to find need for so much protection. No one knew them here, when they went out, the house was Untraceable, and they used enchantments to alter their appearances. They even made aliases’, (Oliver and Jaqueline Quinner) but only used them when they had to. As far as anybody else was concerned, they hardly existed, which consoled James when he was away. At least Lily was safe. 

She had no neighbours stopping by, no friends dropping in and no door knocker. She didn't need one, to say the least, because she also had no visitors.

Once a week she went to the little market in town to buy eggs and milk and bread, a piece of meat for dinner and a pound of loose leaf peppermint. Sometimes she went to the coffee shop by the cliffs and had hot tea lattes and biscotti, trying her best not to look over her shoulder as she read her book, her wand tucked up her sleeve. Sometimes _Little Women,_ an old favourite, or maybe _Jane Eyre_ _,_ a Brontë she had started in December and hadn’t finished yet. She pushed her tortoiseshell reading glasses up her nose and turned the page, feigning belonging in the Muggle world. Her Scottish accent helped her blend in, but she knew she didn’t belong. She wanted nothing more than to go home, back to the wizarding world, in Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade with all her friends from Hogwarts. She belonged with people she knew and loved. She belonged with friends that were closer than friends, friends that had become her family in her families place. This strange Muggle world wasn't hers, she was an intruder who would never belong.

She loved her new home, truly she did. She loved that it was safe, that it was quiet. She loved the texture of the peeling, painted wood of the cottage beneath her fingertips, the paint chipping away as she rubs her hands over the rail. Her new home by the sea was a far cry from their flat in Sussex, and she craved the open space Scotland allowed. The smell of the sea in her bedsheets, the furniture, the way the salty air hangs heavy in the predawn hours. The rising sun casting yellow shadows into her blue kitchen, turning her white cabinets orange in their glow. The way the breeze is continual, cold but steady, blowing through the house, in one window and out another as if the house doesn’t matter. Voldemort may have destroyed her towns and murdered her friends and killed their morale, and nearly burned the Ministry of Magic to the ground, but he couldn't take away the beauty of the sun rising above the ocean or even the hope in James' eyes when he came back home safe and sound.

But he wasn't home.

James was _gone._

And for now, while she was alone in their cottage by the sea, there was nothing to do but wait for some semblance of normalcy to return, in whichever way it came. Sometimes it was writing letters, to Mary McDonald and Marlene McKinnon, to her sister or Sirius back in London she would never mail. Hours she spent petting Grimm, flipping through photo albums, making boeuf bourguignon with Julia Child and freezing the leftovers. The mornings she would walk to the cliffs and watch the stars sink behind the horizon as the sun rose, feel the icy wind on her face and the chill sink between her cardigans and knitted scarf. And still the wind blows, bends the sea grasses and withered wild flowers and ruffles the curtains in Lily Potter’s bedroom, irritates the cat and sends him scurrying from the windowsill. Blows out the candle in the kitchen, and spreads the scent of smoke through the house. But she sits, and reads, and learns and sits in silence. Spent most of the month reading  Brontë and Shakespeare and Austen, dusting cabinets and drinking coffee. 

Wait and distracts herself until her husband would return to her.

James had volunteered for another mission that week. He and Frank Longbottom were in Scotland on a secret assignment for Dumbledore. Personally, Lily didn't understand all the secrecy. If anything, it was clouding their world in even more confusion and fear.

They hadn't heard from Remus in almost a month, and they were both worried about him. Dumbledore wouldn't answer their questions about him, saying he was on assignment and his indiscretion could impend Lupin’s efforts. Even though he tried not to show it, she knew James was irritated. Dumbledore wouldn't look James in the eyes and that bothered him. He didn't give anyone straight answers and that nagged on him, he didn't always have the right answers or the proper response and that scared him. Dumbledore wasn't the strongpoint in his life anymore, he made mistakes too. He miscalculated and people they had loved were hurt or killed on his watch. The war had come to him as well.

When James told her, Lily's own suspicions and hidden fears about Dumbledore only deepened. He couldn't truly be trusted, not even for this. What could Remus be doing that was so top secret that his best friends couldn't know about it?

But she wasn't one to ask questions. It wasn't her place to question his methods or judge their outcomes. She wasn't there at the Order headquarters, couldn't be there, and wouldn't be back for quite some time, if this war ever came to an end and she could come out of hiding.

And this bothered Lily too. She wasn't one to sit and wait, the silence of their little house alone was almost deafening. She missed the busyness of the Great Hall and the constant buzz that hung over the Gryffindor common room. She had never liked going home for summer hols, her house had hung in awkward silence ever since her father had died and Petunia started dating Vernon Dursley. She had surrounded herself with loud friends with loud personalties and lots of them, always preferring to be in the thick of things than on the sidelines. But there was no use complaining, and indeed no one to complain to but herself. The Muggles at the coffee shop and the grocer behind the desk didn’t care about her problems. 

James hadn't said when he would be back, but it had hardly mattered. He wouldn't have known one way or another and Lily was always fond of happy surprises.

So she kept busy. She cleaned the house top to bottom, wiped down windows and mopped the floors on the off chance they were actually dirty. She learned how to do laundry the Muggle way, hanging the clothes on a line and folding them by hand. It was comforting, it reminded her of sitting on the washing machine and watching her mother fold clothes when she was a child. It was manual, and it gave her something to do. It made her feel like she belonged there.

She went through the old house and hemmed the blankets that had started to fray, cooked and baked for herself and sat still. There was nothing really to do. Not by herself, not while they were in hiding. And certainly not while she was pregnant.

They hadn't planned it, James and Lily. It had been a bittersweet surprise when she was late back in December, a consequence of reality in an uncertain world. She had cried when she broke down and bought the test from the chemist, cursing their irresponsibility, their stupidity in relying on magical protection. She spent two hours cursing magical medicine when the test showed her a positive, and then spent the rest of it cursing herself. 

She couldn’t have a baby _now._  Her world was deadly, and no one was guaranteed to make it out alive. She couldn’t believe how selfish they had been thinking children would be okay. This was bringing a new life into a world where Voldemort was in charge and death and danger were old friends. This was weakness when she needed to be strong, this was waiting on the sidelines while James fought front and centre without her. She was nineteen and more scared than she had ever been. 

It was too early to tell, but Lily impulsively ran her fingers over her belly, feeling her flat stomach that bore life, a child that needed protection. 

James found out by accident. 

_She was getting into bed a couple days before Christmas, wearing the tartan nightie her mum had bought her in sixth year when James came out of the loo with the pregnancy test in his hands._

_“I found this in the cabinet, any idea what it is?”_

_Lily dropped her glasses in shock, and reached to grab it from his hands, but he held it out of her reach._

_“That important, eh?” James laughed. "Looks Muggle, did your sister send it?”_

_“No, she didn’t. It’s mine, just give it here.”_

_“What is it?”_

_“Nothing!” she said. “Nothing to worry about, just give it here!”_

_“Lily!” James said, his eyebrows knit. “What is it? Is it dangerous?”_

_“No,” she said, gritting her teeth._

_“Then why are you hiding it from me? It was on the top shelf. I didn’t think you could even_ reach _the top shelf, let alone hide anything up there.”_

_“I wasn’t hiding it, I was waiting to tell you,”_

_“Tell me what, exactly?”_

_She snatched it from his hands. “Nevermind, just give it here, I knew I should’ve tossed it,”_

_“Lily,” James said, his face white. “You’re scaring me. What is it?!”_

_“A pregnancy test!” she said angrily, tossing the plastic wand at the bathroom door. “Alright? Happy now?”_

_James stood in shock, his eyes circles as he absorbed what she said. He rubbed his eyes with the backs of his hands, and stared at her again. Lily sat down on her side of the bed and tried not to cry._

_“A what?”_

_“Pregnancy test. I’m three weeks late,” she said quietly._

_James was silent for a minute, and Lily forced her gaze downward. He didn’t want it, she was sure now. They had never talked about it before, children that is, in more than a hypothetical way and never like this. He had always wanted a baby, she knew, but they were still so young. But he didn’t want it, not now, and she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this baby would never be loved by its father._

_“What did it say?” he whispered._

_Lily sniffed. “It was positive.”_

_She closed her eyes as tears ran down her cheeks and knit her fingers together. Grimm meowed somewhere downstairs, and the candle burning on the bedside table threw shadows against the walls as James knelt before her._

_“And you're sure?” he asked. “From the test?”_

_“It-it said that it was ninety-seven percent accurate on the box,” she said quietly. “So yeah, fairly sure.”_

_James whistled low, and Lily pulled tighter into herself, wishing she could disappear. She had never been scared of her husband before, but the possibilities of his reactions terrified her. He could leave her, she was a liability now. He didn’t want it, didn’t want their baby and she was terrified._

_“We were so goddamn stupid,”_

_“Do you want it?”_

_Lily looked up, found him smiling and burst into tears, sobbing into her hands when James pulled her close and kissed her everywhere he could reach. Lily shook in his arms and he rubbed soothing circles on her back as she cried._

_“Because I do,” he said, “Gods, I love you so much,”_

_“Are you sure?” she asked._

_“Don’t you want it? The baby?”_

_“Yes,” she said. It was her flesh and blood and she wanted it more than anything, loved it more deeply than she had ever loved before_ _and Lily was startled by her own conviction._

_“Good,” he said, placing a warm hand over her belly. “Because I already love our baby so much_ _. This baby is a living example that we're alive. We have to_ live _in war, we can't just survive it. We can't put our lives on hold because Voldemort's still in power. This baby is a gift, and I want it, Lily. I really do.”_

_"But this means that I can't help anymore," she whispered into his chest._

_James sighed and pulled her close._

_"Yeah, I guess it does."_

_Lily tucked herself further into James' chest and suddenly it hit him like a train. Lily was going to have a baby, he was going to be a father. Bloody hell._

_"I'm yours forever, Lils," he whispered because he was scared too. "If we lose everything, I'll always have you."_

_"Not always, James," she said. "we're not exempt from the war. Not even here."_

_"No, but for now, we're together and that's all that matters."_

…

So even though they both hated it, she was alone. He was away, and by someone's perverse idea about justice, they were in even more danger than usual.

Voldemort was after them.

Why them in particular the Order had spent the better part of a month trying to find out. What did Voldemort have against them? Was it because they had refused to join him when he threatened them all those years ago at Hogwarts? Was it the two other times they had faced them after that? All they had ever done was survive, pushed forward and lived to fight another day. But Voldemort wasn’t just after them, but after a baby. Their’s in particular.

Dumbledore hadn't explained it any further than that, but Lily and James had understood that it meant going into hiding, not telling anyone, not even their friends where they lived. It meant solitude and loneliness. It meant not seeing her mum for four months and her old roommates for over a year. It meant missing out on parties and birthdays and anniversaries because they were holed up by themselves at a cottage at the end of the world. It meant only seeing her husband whenever he could make it home, which was nowhere near often enough.

She knew that he couldn't stay- she knew that he would fight the whole world and kill Voldemort himself if that meant that she would be safe forever. She knew that he had a world to save and that it was her job to keep her own little world safe in any way that she could.Sometimes it meant making casseroles for the Order meetings, often it meant making leaflets for the resistance effort. But most of the time, it just meant finding ways of keeping busy while their baby grew within her.

She stood for hours in front of the full length mirror, hands cupping her stomach, imagining the life that was growing within her. From her estimations, she was just over twelve weeks- she measured her belly once a week. It was the end of January and she was alone. It was the new year, it was 1980 and that meant new beginnings, new hope, new chances for laughter and family and love.

It was 1980 and their child would be born this year. It was 1980 and Lily Potter had just turned twenty.

James made it back just before midnight, a single cupcake in tow. He lit the candle on top and sang happy birthday to his wife, kissed her when she blew away the light. They broke it in half and shared it, frosting and cake landing on cheeks and lips and fingertips.

“I love you so much,” he said, “Happy birthday, darling.” 

And in that moment, it was enough. 

...

By January, she was about two months into her pregnancy, and even though she could barely tell that anything was different it felt like her whole life was changing. Their baby was growing within her, and she came to realize that as long as she was safe, their child would be too. Being safe was worth being lonely.

She didn’t go to her coffee shop as much, and didn’t linger at the grocers. She started _Emma_ and finally finished _Jane Eyre,_ spending the majority of the week in the window seat in the kitchen, Grimm on the windowsill and a pot of Earl Grey beside her. She was scared of her own shadow and hated herself for being so afraid, but more than anything, she was afraid of her fear being justified. 

In the darkness of their bedroom she nightmared, Voldemort haunting her subconscious with green spells and unlocking doors. She grew afraid of noises in the night and stunned the cat thinking it was a Death Eater at three in the morning. Her world was quiet but the wind was howling and she was alone and more afraid than she had ever been. But this was war, and the home front was just as bad as the front line when it came to fear. 

So she was in hiding, in a little cottage by the sea where nobody knew them where he could never find them. Even Sirius and Peter and Moony didn't have their address.

In her more cynical moods, Lily wasn't even sure if their house had an address.

Lily spent a lot of time looking at pictures, the silly polaroids she had taken at Quidditch matches and in the common room. She labeled them and cried over them and slid them neatly into albums so they wouldn't ever be lost or forgotten.She chronicled her years at Hogwarts- those seven glorious years when she was innocent and happy and free. Those days long gone when her friends didn't have to worry about the war and their parents weren't pulling them out of school so they could go into hiding.

She had a picture of Severus on the day they met, the pigtailed head of her older sister in the background. She had pictures of getting onto the Hogwarts Express in her first year and memories of meeting James and Sirius and Remus on the train. She had pictures of Hogwarts castle, of her friends and teachers that had dominated her life for the first few months of first term. She had photographs of her first year dorm, of her, Marlene, Alice, Mary and Amelia Bones all crammed onto her four poster, eating sweets and laughing. She had pictures of the Quidditch Pitch and the Forbidden Forest and that strange tree on the grounds she wasn't supposed to go anywhere near. She had photos of the Great Hall at Christmastime and the snow fight they had had on Christmas day, the snowmen they had built on the grounds beside the loch. She had pictures of Diagon Alley from her second and third years, picnics with her roommates by the loch, dates in Hogsmeade and drinks in the Three Broomsticks.

No matter what she had once said about her now husband, Lily Evans had a a lot of pictures of James Potter.

She had pictures of him sweaty with messy hair after Quidditch practice. She had ones of the Marauders coming out of the Three Broomsticks laughing at the top of their lungs with their arms around each others shoulders, tipsy and rosy cheeked. She had pictures of Marlene and Sirius kissing after they won the championship for Gryffindor, the next picture blurry because James had kissed her too and pulled her towards him. She had pictures of their wedding- her walking down the aisle with Sirius and Remus on either arm, she had pictures of her and James kissing at the alter, her throwing the bouquet, cutting the cake. She had pictures of him sleeping the morning after their wedding, half-naked with his arm around her waist. She had photos of their first flat in Sussex, pictures of the nights the Marauders had crashed at their place after partying. She had pictures of the stars, photos of the beach at sunrise at the cottage in Scotland. Lily took pictures of her belly every morning in the mirror, keeping track of her babies growth even though it seemed as though time stood still for her.

Every day was the same, a long string of the same things repeated over and over again. But the fear remained, plateauing with time, and eased with reading. She took to visiting the ancient bookshop in the village, and fell in love with the books she had read as a child, the classics, fairytales, old cookbooks and brought the lot home to be enveloped with words and stories and other people’s problems as a balm from her own. She balanced the new addition on her knees, her reading glasses on her nose covered in blankets. She left with a shaking wand hand, groceries in one hand, her book bag in the other. And when the owner began to recognize her, she left and had yet to return. As much as she hated reading the same books over and over again, she loathed the idea of leaving her little house. It would shatter the illusion that she was safe and that nothing could happen to her.

But she had too, magic couldn't make groceries after all. She went to the little market for the essentials once a week, for milk and bread and chocolate, looking longingly at the Rieslings and Chardonnay’s she could no longer enjoy. It wasn't as if they were poor- James' fortune ensured that they would never have to work a day in their lives if they didn't want to. It was the Muggle-ness of it, of the unfamiliar notes and coins that she hadn't used since she was eleven. It was the fact that she had to use magic to change her face and physique so no one would recognize her. It was her confusion as to where she belonged, because she was in hiding and the Muggle world wasn't home for her anymore.

...

After not being by herself for her entire life, Lily learned the value of her own company.

She had breakfast every morning on the cushion facing the west window, mug of tea at her elbow with the cat curled up below her. Grimm wasn't a recent addition, she had had him since she was eleven. But like her, he spent most of his time alone, usually sleeping in the attic or lying in a patch of sun. He didn't have anywhere to go either and that comforted her.

When James was home, they'd spend every second together- always beside the other in fear that he'd be snatched away and leave her alone again. They'd spend hours curled up in bed, sleeping or talking or not doing anything at all. But they were together, and that was what mattered, until he was wrenched from her once again. 

...

James came home more often than not with either Moony or Sirius by his side (no one would talk about the war. Neither would bring up the Order or the Aurors or how many people had died that week. That house was a safe haven and existed completely separate from Voldemort and the Death Eaters and the blood prejudice that existed all around them. In that place there was no war, no tears or crying or pain. There was a lot of liquor, and it peeved Lily off that she couldn't forget her worries as they could anymore.)

They'd spend the evening laughing and joking and eating casseroles and banana bread before sending the unhappy Marauder on his way so the heartsick couple could spend the night side by side. They'd talk about the future like it would never come, talking about who their baby would grow up to be and the adventures they'd have. They talked about their families, about the friends they hadn't seen since seventh year that they would never talk to again.

They didn't know it then, but you think had, talking like that. That future they had once imagined never was coming. Not for them.bIt wasn't healthy, but Lily didn't care. James was there, and when they were together everything would be okay. They'd then spend the night on the little balcony under the stars, blankets and pillows making a little nest for them. They laugh until they cried when it rained and the sheets got wet and the cat hid from all the thunder and lightning.

They lived like they were the only people left in the world.

And maybe they were. Life passed with hours turning into days, days sliding into weeks, and months. Nothing ever changed, and for them nothing ever would. It would always be the same, and as long as they were together it wouldn't matter in the least. Sometimes they'd spend the entire day in bed, cuddling, eating pancakes with crumbs falling into the sheets. They'd have whipped cream and pound cake for supper and talk well into the night.

Sometimes the baby would kick and they'd marvel at the sight. Lily's waistband got bigger everyday, and as much as she dreaded having their child out of the safety of her belly, she longed to meet them. James did too, he couldn't wait to be a father. Loyalty to his own was engrained on his soul. But eventually, the bubble would pop- someone from the Order would send an owl and James would scowl at the letter in its claws. It meant that he had to be away from Lily and the baby and their cozy little house. It meant that he had to leave again. Every time it got harder. She'd invite him back to bed and even though they both knew that he couldn't, it hurt to leave her alone. It hurt to have to abandon his wife because the world was at war and the Order needed him to fight. It got harder and harder to fight for his life knowing that if he died Lily would be alone.

She'd raise their child by herself and their baby wouldn't know its father. He was distracted, the bits that made up who he was were conflicted. He didn't live for the thrill any longer, he didn't put himself in danger unnecessarily so he could be the hero. Fighting for the Order became a chore, and he hated it.

Frank felt it too- his wife was pregnant as well, living somewhere in Ireland with his mother while he was away. He hated leaving his wife alone as much as James did but they didn't have a choice in the matter. Voldemort was after a baby that was going to be born at the end of July and both of their children fit the requirements. They could not, and indeed, would not let him succeed. Life was too precious for that.

It was too sacred to be gambled and thrown away. It had to be protected, and even though James and Lily understood what that entailed they were only twenty years old. And twenty was too young for life to be held in the balance. Twenty was too young to be waiting for time to pass, too young to be pregnant and separated.

But they also understood that this was life in war. This is what it was to love so deeply that it ached to be away for even a moment.And it was a blessing, and they were thankful. Truly. Because they were alive and together and that was more than others who had already lost someone. So she would wait, and he would fight and together look forward to a day where they could be together once again.

…

Edited (07/01/17)

I got a lot of inspiration for the location of Lily and James' house from the scene at the end of At World's End, where Elizabeth is waiting for Will at the top of a cliff with their son. The rolling hills and sheer cliffs and wide open ocean really inspired me as somewhere Lily and James would go to be in hiding, somewhere a lot like the desolate landscapes the trio went while they were on the run in DH, or indeed even where the Dursley's took Harry to the Hut on the Rock in PS, a place so rugged a magic of its own is at work there.

(Also shoutout to Bronze Cat for helping me out with British geography, you're the best :)

Love,

Violet Sky


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: 

..

It was nearing the end of February, and the snow was beginning to melt off the cottage roof and icicles dripped from the eaves onto the snow below. She opened the windows every morning to let in the fresh ocean breeze off the cliffs and drank peppermint tea in front of the fire as cool air filtered through the house. She breathed deeply and sank back into herself, calm for the first time in days. 

As of today, she was four months pregnant, and the first signs of her pregnancy were becoming visible. Her belly formed a little bump beneath her t-shirts and she cupped it gently, in awe of what her body was capable of. Of what her body could do, given love and protection and what a wonder it could create. In five months, they’d have a baby, a gift from the gods; a child to love and to cherish and to hold, a baby they could teach the art of empathy and giving, of bravery and sacrifice and doing the right thing when everyone else was going the wrong way. A baby who was so innocent born into a war, a baby who could bring peace and joy to those who needed it the most.

Lily put down her cup and hugged her knees to her chest, burrowing her head in her arms as she cradled her baby from within, the baby she never knew she wanted but could no longer live without. A baby, _her_ baby. She was going to be a mum. 

“I love you, little one,” she said quietly, a smile tugging at her lips as tears dripped down her cheeks. “Little baby, your mum loves you so much.” 

...

 

Morning sickness had plagued her for weeks- she was unable to keep anything down and was constantly tired and nauseous. James had brought back loads of Pepper Up potion for her the last time he had been in London but her supplies were running low. She bought ginger from the Muggle market and had ginger tea every morning trying to offset it to little success. She spent her days with oatmeal and a glass of water by her side trying to keep something, anything down. She spent a lot of time lying in bed, a book propped up on a pillow, Muggle records playing quietly in the background. She often didn't get out of her pyjamas, choosing to be comfortable and sick rather than uncomfortable and unhappy.

 

Looking in the mirror, she had lost weight too, she had bags under her eyes and her hair had lost its shine. She tried for a smile but it didn't come as easily as it once had. Her clothes were dirty and the house was dirty and she had no motivation to do anything. She wanted to sit still and do nothing. Deep down she knew that she couldn't- sitting still and missing him without doing anything about it wasn't productive. So she cleaned, did a load of laundry in-between trips to the loo to be sick. She made her mum’s chicken noodle soup and made herself eat it. She had to be strong, even if it meant getting up and doing a load of laundry. She couldn't sit and wait for her hero to return like some lost damsel in distress. She was stronger than this, she was Lily Evans, _dammit_ and she could do anything. She could withstand anything, and could deal with this as she always had- even if it burned she would push forward.

Lily was beginning to feel a huge personality shift occurring inside herself. No longer was she the hot tempered, rebellious person she was at Hogwarts, indeed, not even the person she was when they were first married. The war had aged her, she was more mature, less concerned about the thrill of the chase and more content with normalcy and peace and quiet. Scotland had aged her, isolation and fear had all done their job in maturing her into who she was now. This tiny house and the wide open cliffs and fields changed her from the inside out.

She didn't have it in her to rebel any longer, this wasn't the time to push her limits. It was a time to think hard of what she was fighting for and decide if it was worth it or not to continue. And was it? Lily wasn't completely sure. But one thing she did know was that Voldemort was her enemy, and if defeating him meant sacrificing time with James so he could work with the order, giving up her freedom, her friends and her family and spending more than her fare share of time alone so they could be safe, so be it. He had to die, this had to end. So maybe she did have her mind made up.

Maybe she understood what was on the line, what the cost of his defeat truly was, even then, even in February 1980, a year and eight months before the sword would drop. She didn't feel twenty any longer, didn't feel like she was just married and just beginning her life. She felt tired, tired of fighting and running and hiding. Tired of losing James to Order missions when he could be at home with her. She didn't care that it was cowardly to think that way, she knew that James needed to fight, needed to feel useful. She knew that he was fighting for a better world, and she was proud of him. But she wanted him home more.

Her own thoughts of inadequacy plagued her sitting alone in the house, she felt cowardly, sitting back letting others take the brunt of the fight. She wanted to be involved, wanted to fight Voldemort rather than let others do it. She knew she couldn't, it wasn't worth the risk to their baby in something as stupid as fighting. She wasn't just putting her own life on the line anymore, this was her child- the one thing she knew she had to protect. Even at the cost of her life. But still the thought of her uselessness nagged at her. She was in hiding, wasn't that already unfair to those who were honour bound to fight? 

Lily wondered what Alice was thinking, all the way in Ireland. Did she feel like she was doing the right thing? Siting on the sidelines while others protected her and her baby? Did she feel as useless as she did? Lily hoped not, this anxious waiting was eating away at her piece by piece. Was it fair to herself to think that way? She had no right to think one way or another. This was the way things were- this was the reality of being in hiding, these feelings of inadequacy, of loneliness and self-doubt. It was only natural to think that she was in the wrong when she had nobody to tell her otherwise.

James wouldn't like this kind of thought, he would call her the bravest person he knew because his idea of bravery and hers had been skewed in war. Bravery for him was doing what was right, no matter the cost. Bravery for him was learning dangerous magic and becoming an Animagi when he was fifteen. Brave for him was standing up to pureblood supremacy in his own ways and dealing justice how he saw fit. It was running around in the Shrieking Shack every full moon keeping his friend safe from himself. Bravery was standing at Lupin's side when most of the Ministry of Magic wanted him in the werewolf colony.

Bravery meant marrying her even though it was dangerous to, bravery meant staying by her side and loving her even though it made no sense. But it was different for her. Her idea of bravery now included the mundane, because she had two people to protect now and not just one. Bravery for her meant protecting their child and staying safe in her own ways. Bravery for her had once meant fighting battles and protecting allies, fighting and dying with friends by her side. It did no longer. She wasn't naive enough to believe that could work any longer. Bravery was subjective, she would learn, and couldn't be defined with something as superfluous as words. Bravery meant going down to the Muggle town near them and having coffee even though it scared her to be so close to Muggle society and yet feel so separated from it. Bravery was knowing that James might never come home again and she might have to raise their child on her own. Bravery was acknowledging that some day she would be dead, someday James would be dead all of them would be dead and the world would end and there was nothing she could do but wait for that day to come.

Bravery was staying soft even though her world was hard. 

She found bravery in the everyday things, and for now, that was enough.

 

...

The wind was strong on the cliffs, but her head was full and the fresh air welcome. She had pulled on three of her warmest jumpers, wrapped James’ Gryffindor scarf around her neck and pulled a dry blanket from the line and sat on the cliffs with her hardcover copy of  _Emma,_ the last book in the set she had bought a month ago. In the distance, little coves and rock outcroppings formed a bay, vaguely c-shaped. The beach was far below, smooth stones and sand the waves crashed upon and receded from. The grasses bent around her in the wind, pulling her hair from its messy braid. 

She took a sip of her tea before grimacing and setting it back down. She lied flat on her back and counted to ten, trying to overcome her nausea. It had been getting worse as of late, and entire days were spent immobile in bed, lying gently inclined as a way by which to discourage nausea, a magically warmed bag of beans on her back and a washcloth over her eyes. Good days too, intermixed with the bad, but Lily felt like she was stuck in a limbo of menstrual pain that never seemed to wane. But today was a good day, with some deep breaths she felt her nausea recede, so she gently sat up and crossed her legs beneath her; a position she had always found the most comfortable when seated. 

It looked like it was going to rain, she thought; heavy grey clouds crowded the horizon. But it was still dry and cool, so she tucked the tissue bookmarking her page under her knee and began to read. 

 

By noon, three raindrops had fallen on her book, and she could not for the life of her remember the umbrella charm (it was p _something,_ she thought, and a flick of the wrist) so she tucked her book to her chest and swept her blanket into her arms and walked back into the house. 

By the time she made it back, her hair was wet and the book damp. She undid the wards surrounding the house, opened the door and re-cast them, thick veils of magic surrounded the house and sealed the walls, making them impervious to unwelcome entry. 

She cast a quick drying spell on her book and put it on the kitchen table. The wind was hitting the house at full force, huge gusts of wind that whistled from cracks in the windows and under the door. The fire continued to crackle, but less so than earlier so she added another log in order to heat up the house. She pushed a towel under the door and set the kettle on the cooker for some tea. Maybe she’d have soup later, she thought. Something warm with cream and lots of salt. 

Just when the kettle whistled, there was a firm knocking at the door. 

Lily stopped dead, the kettle in one hand and a tea cup in the other. She was so startled, she nearly dropped it, but regained her senses and put both down on the counter. No one knew they existed, she thought desperately. Not even the Marauders, not the Order or any of their school friends. The house shouldn’t even be visible so many wards on it. Maybe she hadn’t cast them correctly, maybe they had been undone somehow. Maybe Voldemort had found her at last. 

But a Death Eater wouldn’t knock, she thought desperately. He’d just barge in and kill me. 

Again, the doorknob rattled and she jumped. She snatched her wand from the couch and poised in front of the door; she hadn’t held her wand defensively in four months and her hand was shaking with fear. 

“Hello?” She said bravely. “Who’s there?” 

“It’s me, Lils, open the door.” 

Her fear melted and she made to unlock the door, but stopped at the last second, remembering the passwords they had made all those years ago when they weren’t sure who could be at the door. 

“What did I dress up as for the Halloween party in sixth year?” she asked, one ear against the doorframe, her hands shaking and clammy. 

“A sexy witch,” he said back with a smile in his words, and Lily shook from excess adrenaline. “What did Snuffles and I buy to impress Lily Evans in sixth year?” 

“A motorbike,” she said, and unlocked the door. “Oh James,” 

“Hold on, don’t hug me yet. I’m soaking wet,” he said, laughing. “Let me take this off first,” 

He unwrapped a long grey scarf from his neck and peeled off his leather jacket -both of which were sopping wet- and dropped them to the floor. 

“Gods,” he said, and wrapped her in his arms and kissed her neck. “I’m never leaving again, I swear. I missed you so much,” 

Lily choked quietly, tears running freely down her cheeks. “I thought you were a Death Eater,”

“Sorry I scared you,” 

Lily exhaled quickly and smiled, tears running down her face. James was home. 

...

They spent the night eating the soup Lily made; a white bean soup she hadn’t known herself capable of. But it tasted like home, and with James beside her she was satisfied. He didn’t talk about the Order, and she didn’t talk about her loneliness. There was no use to letting the outside world seep into their little house; it kept him sane to think that she was safe here. So they laughed about the cat chasing Lily’s wool balls and getting stuck behind the cooker. They spoke about the baby, how big he was getting, how she’d be the size of a house by summer. He pushed back his chair and spread his rough and broken hands over her soft belly and marvelled at their baby, tears in his eyes while she glowed with pride. _This is important,_ he’d said then. _This is life, Lily, the life we’ve made together. This baby is living proof of how much I love you._

He washed the dishes and she dried, a wash cloth swung over her shoulder and Grimm circling their ankles. The wind howled and the rain pelted the windows, but they spent the evening on the couch, the fire lit and candle light dancing off the walls. She told him about _Emma_ and he read her the Puddlemore United stats, one of his legs between hers, his hands round her waist and his face in her neck. Once he couldn’t keep his eyes open, they walked hand in hand to bed, the floorboards creaking, the smell of candle smoke heavy in the air. 

Her hair hung like copper dangling over the pillows, his face scratched her neck with an unkept beard, the soft plaid of his pyjama bottoms warm against her bare legs. She smiled with her eyes closed, and James kissed the soft hollow of her neck, his other hand spread protectively over her little belly. 

“I wish I never had to leave,” he whispered, burrowing his face in her neck. “I could stay here forever,” 

“Staying safe, baking buns, reading novels and holding hands on the cliffs.” 

“Actually building the cot,” he said cheekily, and Lily smiled. “Making love in front of the fireplace.” 

“A perfect life.” 

“I love you,” he said earnestly, and rose up to kiss her. “I don’t say it enough, but I love you. I don’t ever want to leave, Lily,"

“Shh,” she said, holding a finger over his lips. “There is no one else. We’re the only people left in the world,” 

... 

They spoke about their dreams; things they wished they’d done and hoped to do someday. Things they’d do, places they’d go, people they hoped to see again. They spoke of the nights spent together and the lazy mornings after, the Saturday afternoons in the Gryffindor common room and the taste of his mother’s blueberry pie. They reminisced the night shifts they had spent walking the halls of Hogwarts hand in hand looking for a couples hiding in broom cupboards, stolen biscuits from the kitchens in their pockets. James told her about the night he had told his Mum he was going to drop out of school to join the Order in sixth year, how livid she had been.

"I would be too, if you had said the same to me." Lily replied, resting her head on James' chest.

James smiled, and recanted the memory for her.

…

_"James, you're finishing school." Dorea said with a strange hard tone to her voice. Behind her, Sirius sat on the counter, eating an apple, watching Dorea with as much apprehension as James was. James' mum had never put their foot down before._

_"Mum, I'm of age, school is useless at this point anyway. I'd rather be protecting people and helping defeat Voldemort than sitting in Charms!"_

_"I don't care," she said, her chin quivering. "I don't want you on the front lines, fighting with Dumbledore. No matter how noble it may be, it's not worth you_ dying _, James!"_

_"Yeah listen to your mother, Prongs."_

_"Stay out of it," James snapped, and put a hand on his mum's shoulder, who tensed under his touch._

_"Listen," he said quietly. "I'm not doing this to be rebellious or stupid, Mum. I'm doing it because I can't stand the thought of sitting on the sidelines while people risk their lives to bring Voldemort down! I can't stand it!"_

_"I know," she said kindly, "it's what I love about you, James. You always put others first. But listen to me, just this once. You have people who need you too. Your father and I need you. Peter and Remus and Sirius need you. Lily needs you. You're not fourteen and free anymore. You have responsibilities to the people who love you and need you alive in order to keep living themselves."_

_"That sounds like a cowardly way of living," James said._

_"No it's not," she said. "Sweetheart, its taking into account the losses that could result and going forward differently. You're so often reckless, but this is bigger than, than pranking Snape or skipping class or becoming illegal Animagi. This is laying your life on the line. This is seeing friends die and family die and your future being taken away from you. This is losing everything you fought so hard to have, and I can't accept that future for you, James. Not yet. Graduate. Make it these next couple of months and join later. I've always wanted to see you graduate."_

_"Plus you get more time with Evans if you go back to school,"_

_"Screw off, mate."_

_"I don't have any right to tell you what to do anymore, James." Mrs Potter said, "You're of age. Your father and I raised you well, you're brave and caring and smart and we love you too much to lead with your head instead of your heart. Go back to her. Go back to Lily. She's always been your moral compass."_

…

_James had called Lily from the Muggle pub across the street that night and she spent the rest of Easter break at Potter Manor, getting to know his parents and their elves and her new boyfriend in his own home. She slept in the spare room across the hall from James and Sirius' bedrooms and fantasized about being so close to him, and yet so far away at the same time._

_She spent her afternoons playing Quidditch with them, having lemonade and pumpkin juice and homemade blueberry pie by the fireplace in the living room and talking the nights away._

_She told them about Petunia, she told them about Snape. She told them about her childhood in Spinners End and Cokeworth and how she first used magic when she was nine to make a flower grow in her hand. They in turn told her about their childhoods, about how Sirius had been blasted off the Black family tree the year before and wasn't welcome there anymore. James worried about his parents health, how they always tried too hard and would work themselves to death someday._

_She told them about her dream to become a healer after she watched a friend die and couldn't do anything about it. James wanted to be an Auror and Sirius wanted to be a Quidditch player. But James said his dream would have to go on hold until Voldemort was dead and the world was at peace again._

_"What if he never gets defeated, mate?" Sirius said quietly. "What then? You can't put your dreams on hold forever."_

_"He'll die," James said resolutely. "He has to."_

_Neither Lily nor Sirius had the heart to contradict him._

...

They talked about the future like it would never come, and perhaps that future they imagined for themselves wouldn't. No matter how hard you try you can't plan for your perfect future, life always gets in the way.

Or in this case, Voldemort. The world was dark while he was alive. Their whole world was shrouded, Diagon Alley was cast in dark shadows, full of people with their eyes fixed firmly on the pavement walking quickly from one place to the next. Hogsmeade was much the same- they had cancelled weekend visits after a Death Eater raid killed four people in their year alone six months before. The Ministry of Magic was near corrupt and all the _Prophet_ had to say in those days was lies. Death Eater propaganda filled every waking moment, and it was only getting worse.

Hogwarts was the only place left unaffected- but those who came brought it with them. Their fear, their anxieties broke the magical defences surrounding the school and permeated the halls with a rising tension that never seemed to plateau. Dementors surrounded the village and cast dark shadows and exhaled their cold, stale breath into the air, making the whole world shiver.

But they found happy moments intermingled with that of the bad.There was light there too, even amongst all that darkness that pressed in on all sides. Those who had the power to say _Expecto Patronum_ in those days were the real survivors, because happy memories were the only salve to protect one from the bad ones.

There was happiness too, even there, even in 1980 when the entire world was scared and cold and held in the dark.

Joy existed, but it was scarce. People were afraid to be happy when so much evil existed, scared to really live when so many had already died. But Lily knew living was important, and so did James. So they tried their best to find happiness in the small things, capture it in order to share it with others. They had found it in the small things, kept joy close so it would never be forgotten.

…

_"WILL YOU STOP TORTURING THE DARN CAT!"_

_"I don't know what you're talking about Evans," James said, levitating a ball of string while Grimm desperately tried to reach it. James grinned up at Lily as she glared at him. "See? No harm done."_

_"The poor thing is traumatized, but no problem."_

_Grimm hissed at James and he finally relented and let the ball drop, causing the cat to pounce and slobber all over it._

_"I don't know why you bother, Potter," Lily said, turning the page of her textbook._

_"You can't condemn a man for trying, Evans," James said, stretching out like a cat on the hearth carpet, his Divination homework lying unfinished beside him._

_“Also true, but not necessarily commendable,”_

_James pulled the captured snitch from his pocket and let it flit between his fingers, circling around his head. Lily saw the golden blur as it flew around the room. Grimm jumped at the sight of it, ball of yarn forgotten._

_"Why aren't you studying?" Lily asked after a moment or two, her thick Ancient Runes textbook open on her lap._

_"Don't need to study, Evans," James said, "Divination is not worth worrying about."_

_"I see,"_

_"Of course, that's taking into mind that Morgana won't pass me no matter what-,"_

_"Which she will," Lily said._

_"And that I am somehow incapable of procuring nonsense to please her demented heart, which I'm not, in case you were wondering."_

_"I wasn't."_

_"And anyways," James said, catching the snitch at the last second, inches away from Grimm's paws, who growling angrily in response. "Divination's just an elective- it won't matter in the long run. Not much will."_

_Lily turned away from her textbook, stunned. That wasn't the first time she had heard the aftertones of truth and honesty in his voice, nor was it the first time she had forced herself to look away from him to hide her blush. Lily held her emotions plainly on her face and everyone knew it, especially James._

_"You make it sound like you're not coming back," she said, twirling her quill between her fingers, staring resolutely at her textbook, but not reading a word._

_"I'm not," he said. 'I'm joining Dumbledore's lot the second I'm of age."_

_"You're not finishing school?” she said._

_"Why? Will you miss me, Evans?_ _”_

_There was silence then, and Lily started to realize that his voice dipped into sincerity._

_"Yeah, I would," she said without thinking, tucking herself even further into her notes so he couldn't see her blush._

_James sat up and turned to face her, the red lump on the sagging armchair of Gryffindor common room who wouldn't turn around._

_"Huh," he said. petting Grimm absentmindedly, who purred under his touch. She would miss him? Did he hear her right?_

_"Why are you so desperate to join up anyways?" she asked hurriedly, "it's not like the world's ending tomorrow."_

_"I can't just sit here at school and wait for others to sacrifice their lives when I should be doing the same thing. It's unbearable."_

_It was her turn to be quiet. She had always known James Potter to be the self-sacrificing sort, brave to the point of stupidity, but this was adult stuff. Joining the Order of the Phoenix was serious, she wondered what his parents thought, or indeed if he had even told them. He wasn’t even seventeen yet._

_"I get that," she said quietly, "but I also see the logic in waiting until we graduate."_

_Lily looked down at her notes with blurry eyes and shut her textbook. “Ah, screw it. i'm not getting everything done anyways."_

_Grimm rolled over and James rubbed his back absentmindedly, more watching her than anything else._

_Lily sighed, pulling her hair out of its messy bun so her scalp could have a rest. James watched her, transfixed, as her long hair fell over the arm of her chair, it's deep red tones catching the light of the fire, making the colours change from copper to maroon to crimson. It was curly today, she must have slept in braids, he thought._

_He thought he heard her speak, she was looking expectantly at him._

_“What?" he said, looking back up at her._

_"I asked when you were leaving." Lily said._

_"I'm of age in March, so sometime after that I guess."_

_"I know when your birthday is," she said impatiently. "So you're not even finishing sixth year, then?"_

_"I can't. There's too much to do. You understand."_

_Lily sighed, braiding sections of her hair absentmindedly. A world without James Potter in it would be a peaceful world, that was for sure. But not necessarily one Lily fancied living in. It was true that James had stopped hexing people for the fun of it, true that he had matured and grown up a lot this past year. She would miss him if he left, more than she rightfully should. She wouldn't forgive herself if she gave up her chance to tell him how she really felt if he did end up leaving, she would regret it for the rest of her life._

_"I wish you wouldn't go," she said without thinking._

_Lily turned, her cheeks flushing pink. It was too late for this! Her mouth got away from her when she was tired, she hadn't slept very well last night in anticipation of finishing her paper. She really should be in bed._

_"Well, goodnight," she said awkwardly, her courage forgotten. She gathered her things and put them in her schoolbag. She hadn't noticed how the common room had emptied, and just as well, it was two o'clock in the morning._

_"Wait," James said, grabbing hold of her wrist._

_"What?"_

_"I don't want to leave like this."_

_"Like what?"_

_"Bickering!" he exclaimed and Lily frowned. "Evans, we've been fighting for six years now. It has to stop, I don't want to fight you anymore."_

_Lily tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. James towered over her, his messy hair framing his face beautifully, his eyes kind and gentle. No, she didn't want to leave like this either._

_She took a step forward, the firelight making his eyes dance. He lowered his face towards hers, and suddenly they were kissing. He had his arms around her waist and hers were tangled in his hair and fireworks exploded behind her eyes as he pulled her closer. His scruff brushed against her cheeks and tickled her but she didn't care. She was finally kissing James Potter, nothing else mattered. She poured into the kiss all of her anxiety over him leaving, trying to tell him how devastated she would be if he left, how much she cared about him, how she had always wanted him. She tucked herself into her arms and he pulled her tighter and for a second, everything was perfect._

_"We should be in bed," she mumbled against his lips, and he laughed._

_“Planning on crawling into mine, Evans?”_

_She swatted him, firm reserve melting when he laughed._

_"Live a little, Evans,” he said, kissing her gently. “We've all the time in the world."_

_She didn't know how long they stood there before she pulled away. He was something dangerous she knew she shouldn't touch, something funny and caring and kind. The pull towards him was inescapable, and she knew that she wasn't letting go anytime soon._

_"What can I say to make you stay?”_

_"You're doing a pretty good job of it right now, I reckon," he said gruffly and she kissed his cheek._

_She thought for a second, and kissed him again, on the lips this time, feeling the warmth of his skin under his sweater. She was happy, happier than she ever thought she could be in his arms. Why had they denied each other for so long? They had wasted so much time that could've been spent together and Lily wasn't willing to waste another second._

_"Go out with me, Potter?"_

_"Thought you'd never ask."_

…

_They would dance around each other for another month before their relationship solidified in late February and she finally took him on that date she promised. That was the day he showed her his Animagus, scared her to death, and the day she punched him in the face in surprise. They would laugh about it later, because that was also the day she showed him her patronus- the doe, and how it complimented his stag perfectly._

_"Soulmates," he had said. And maybe they were._

_They spent the entire day in the woods, making snowmen, having a snowball fight with the Whomping Willow and laughing their heads off when it finally decided to start hitting back. They ran and slid with boots on on the lake, trying to keep their balance as they ran, moonlight casting shadows and trails for them to follow. And when the moon broke the horizon and the stars came out they named all the constellations they knew and made up the ones they didn't, sat and marvelled at the world around them. It was beautiful, they decided. Their world was breakable, it was scarred and damaged and only getting worse. It was war, after all. But for that moment they were suspended in time and everything made sense when they were together. Their stars had collided, and they were happy. No matter what would come, they could best it as long as they were together._

_He pulled his broom out of his pocket and Enlarged it and they flew back to the castle when her watch struck two, her arms around his waist. It was the happiest day of his life, because Evans finally fancied him back and his heart felt whole for the first time._

_They flew back to the castle in the moonlight, opened the heavy doors of the Entrance Hall and snuck upstairs even though she was a Prefect and should've known better than to be up after hours. They walked up the flights of stairs leading to Gryffindor tower giggling and whispering, hiding beneath James' Invisibility Cloak. They each watched for Peeves and Filch, holding hands because they felt safer that way. She whispered the password and the portrait hole swung open before them._

_They kissed goodnight in the common room and spent the rest of their waking hours smiling, grinning into their pillows thinking about what tomorrow could bring. It this was what love was, they had fallen head over heels._

_That was day one of many that were still yet to come._

…

Back then, love was easy.

Love was sitting beside the other in the Great Hall and doing homework together in the common room. Love was smelling his aftershave in Amortentia and holding his hand when they walked down the hallway to Charms. Love was going on dates like their first around the grounds and watching the stars in the Astronomy Tower.

Now everything as complicated, love was waiting for him to come back and keeping their baby safe by keeping herself isolated. Love was sleeping together under the stars like they had at Hogwarts not knowing when he would be called away again. Here her world sounded like the crackling of spruce logs and the whistling of wind through stone and mortar. It sounded like waves crashing against the cliffs and the rustling of grasses as they bent in the breeze. It was dew between her toes and soft sunlight on her face, the dead stalks of wildflowers ticking her knees. It was lazy morning sex, it was snogging in the kitchen in pyjamas, it was putting three sugars in his coffee and laughing at his corny jokes. It was pulling out her fathers record player and play Buddy Holly and Jerry Lee Lewis with her eyes closed, dancing in her dreams. Here she could pretend that she wasn’t a witch, that the world wasn’t ending and war wasn’t raging. Here was the ocean, and the stones and the fire, here was James and cuddling in bed, tracing the contours of sunlight on her sleeping husband’s face. 

 

 

 

 

Love was remembering how wonderful things had been before and hoping that they could be great again someday. So she watched, and she waited as those wonderful golden memories fell around her subconscious every night in the moments before she slipped into sleep.

…

The early morning sunlight streamed through the open windows of their bedrooms, casting a warm glow on the walls. She squinted and saw James getting dressed before her, a letter on his bedside table. She groaned and rubbed her eyes.

"Are you leaving already?" she asked sleepily, and James smiled gently, pulling a jumper over his head. "You know it's rude to leave the morning after without saying goodbye."

“I was going to, but you looked too pretty sleeping to wake up," he said, sitting beside her before kissing her forehead gently. "Good morning, sweetheart."

"Do you have to go?"

James kneeled in front of her and tucked her hair behind her ear. "You know I have to, Lils,"

"Doesn't mean I have to like it,"

"No, but this time I won't be gone for long." He said, a pulled his jacket on over top of his jumper. "Two weeks, tops. I promise."

“Be safe, James," she said, and pulled his head towards her, kissing him soundly. "I love you. Call me when you can."

"I will," he said, and with one last smile at her, he Apparated.

…

_It was March 22nd, 1979 the two year anniversary of her joining the Order._

_She had pseudo joined before she graduated, told Dumbledore she would fight someday soon without actually pulling any missions. That particular day two years before burned sharp into her memory. She wasn't usually a sentimental person, but crossing that particular day off on the calendar was harder than it should've been. Lily missed the sensation of being productive._

_James had joined a couple months before she had, checked it out with the other Marauders before to see what they were getting themselves into before jumping in with both feet. He attended his first meeting in late June that same year._

_..._

_"Nice of you to finally show up," Sirius said, drink in hand. James shrugged and sat down next to his best friend at the long banquet table of the Order headquarters._

_Other members of Dumbledore's Order of the Phoenix were there too: Hagrid, McGonagall, Frank Longbottom. James knew some but many of the older members he had only heard about and had never seen. The room itself was bright and sparsely decorated, situated in the attic of a Muggle Manor in Kent with so many protective enchantments on it that it was invisible and unplottable._

_Dumbledore himself sat at the head of the table, parchments surrounding him deep in conversation with Elphias Doge, who looked serious and concerned._

_"What's going to happen?" James asked, twirling his wand between his fingers._

_"Dumbledore will give us more information, who's gone into hiding, suspected Death Eaters, where You Know Who might be, that sort of thing," Remus said from across the table from them, his face was hidden in a hood and James was confused that he hadn't recognized his best mate before then. "Then he'll ask for volunteers for missions, which are extremely dangerous. I can't expect Lily would be a fan."_

_"No, I suspect not," James said stiffly._

_This wasn't playing pranks and being obnoxious in Gryffindor common room, this wasn't being rebellious and taking risks for the thrill of it. Here and there real people were dying, Benjy Fenwick had been torn apart by the Death Eaters less than a year ago, Emmeline Vance was killed by Death Eaters a month before. This wasn't a joke anymore. Death came to friends, to strangers, to next door neighbours; death came for parents and roommates and best friends. No one was exempt from pain and loss, not James and certainly not anyone sitting around that table._

_"We'll come to order," Dumbledore said, and the talking around him silenced. "welcome to our new members, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black and James Potter. You're contribution is appreciated."_

_There was no applause, no sound. Around them, everyones eyes were drawn._

_"I've nothing but bad news, I'm afraid," Dumbledore continued. "From what we have been able to gather, Voldemort's inner circle has expanded. His followers have begun to seep into the Ministry of Magic and the Daily Prophet. They can no longer be trusted."_

_Again, stunned silence rather than the reverent sort filled the room. James shuffled his shoes nervously._

_"Werewolves in the north are in revolt," Dumbledore said, looking around the room sadly. "Many have already sided with Voldemort or are soon to do so. Giants too have sided with their side. Voldemort and his followers outnumber us sixteen to one."_

_Life was bleak in war._

_Tomorrow sounded like an impossible dream, war was yesterday, today and tomorrow- there was no guarantee that you'd live, no promise that you'd somehow make it out- there never was._

_Most of the time it came down to luck, to timing. Sometimes it was your best friend who ran into the Killing Curse and not you. Sometimes you ducked, sometimes you cursed them back, but no one could nail it down one way or another. The logic behind it all._

_War was chance, and even then James Potter must've known that the odds weren't in his favour._

_…_

_James had said that he'd call her, they had planned back when he was still at Hogwarts to call at least once a day. He had to walk farther than he'd like to find a Muggle payphone._

_The night was strangely cold for June and the wind was blowing dead leaves across the pavement. He pulled his Gryffindor scarf further up his chin and walked to the strange booth on the side of the road. He inserted the strange Muggle coins into the telephone and dialled the number of her flat, hoping Lily would pick up._

_After three rings, she answered._

_"Hello?"_

_"Lily?"_

_"James!" Lily said happily, and James smiled to himself. Her joy was what he needed in a world with so much uncertainty. "How was the meeting?"_

_"A lot more than I was expecting," he said honestly, tucking himself further into the windbreak of the booth. "it was hard to listen to Dumbledore rattling off deaths like he was. He asked for volunteers for a mission in the West Country, and I said that I would."_

_"How long will you be gone for?"_

_"I don't know, it's hard to say. We'll be gone until we do what we came to do, I guess."_

_"Who's going with you?"_

_"Sirius and Amelia and Frank Longbottom. The full moon is coming up, so Remus couldn't come and Peter's mother is sick again. It's just as well, we're a good team as it is."_

_"You'll promise not to be stupid?"_

_"I'm never stupid."_

_"Yes you are and you know it," she said, her voice thick. He knew that Lily meant it as a joke but there was a strange edge to her voice that he hadn't heard before._

_"I promise," he said. "Really. And Lily?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Be safe for me too. I'll call you when I can."_

_After they had said their goodbyes, James felt more heartsick for her than he had before._

_…_

_"Did you get a hold of her?" Sirius asked, tying up his boots with magic. Remus tucked his wand in his pocket and looked at James expectantly._

_"Yeah, she's fine." James said, "I told her that we were leaving."_

_"Did you tell her what we were doing?" Sirius asked._

_"Of course not. She would be worrying the entire time."_

_"You know she's going to join the Order eventually, James," Remus said. "You can't keep her in the dark forever."_

_"No, but she's got enough on her plate already without me adding to it," James said, "did you know that her dad's sick? He's got lung cancer. Lily's really worried about him"_

_"He'll be okay," Remus said, "and if he passes, Lily will be strong. You know she will."_

_"But she shouldn't have to be," James said. "She's only nineteen."_

_"We're nineteen too, mate." Sirius said sadly. "We all have our own battles to fight."_

_"She'll be okay," Remus said, hugging his friend so he could cry without anyone seeing him. "We'll all be okay someday."_

_…_

_Lily ended up joining the Order that November, and pulled missions like the rest of them even though it scared James half to death when he went without her._

_She put herself to good use, and finally understood the satisfied feeling of doing something productive for a change. It felt good to be needed._

_She learned the value of a good nights sleep, learned the art of sleeping with one eye open and had a newfound appreciation for all things canned. Nothing tasted better than canned beans over an open fire when she was hungry enough to eat it cold. Maybe even without the spoon._

_Frank taught her how to catch a fish one day when they were on a mission in Liverpool, and they ate fresh cod for dinner that night, cooked slowly in the coals of their campfire._

_To be honest, it wasn't much different from when Harry, Ron and Hermione were on the run almost eighteen years later. It was the same fear, the same anxious longing to be back home. The same chills that settled around them at night and protective charms over camp lest the Death Eaters find them._

_When she wasn't away, they lived in a flat in Sussex, far enough away from London that they could just be by themselves._

_They had the Marauders over for supper whenever they were both home and played games and talked well into the night. Sat by the fire with lemonade and pumpkin juice and blueberry pie like they had all those years before at the Potter's._

_All of them understood the realities of war and peace, and learned to value both for their individual merits. War meant helping and being useful, taking out Death Eaters, infiltrating hideouts, gaining information. Peace meant quiet dinners and slow conversation that needed to go nowhere quickly. Peace was what all of them preferred but no one was cowardly enough to say it out loud._

_At least not verbally, anyway._

_They all showed it, the war had aged them. The war clung to Lupin's past and prevented him from living in the present. Prevented him from going anywhere near London without charms on his appearance lest he be caught and put into the werewolf colony. It stuck to James' face when he smiled, stopped him from laughing easily and joking over the little things because big realities stood in his way._

_The war caused a bottle to grace Sirius' hand more often than not, it clung to his throat and brought tears to his eyes when it all became too much. It showed in Lily's eyes, in her jerky actions in nominal tasks, it was the dark circles and lank hair that were reality now because of the war. It was always holding onto her husbands hand because he was the rock in her life, even in war, and she needed him to stay strong so she could do so herself._

_The war only amplified Peter's feeling's of inadequacy, of his perpetual uselessness in the grand scheme of things. The war had him cling to the arm of the majority when stress threatened to cave in on him, caused him to side with the Death Eaters when he knew it was wrong._

_War brought out the truth in everyone, one way or another, because it was also around then that Peter stopped stopping by the Potter's flat for tea and suppers because he felt too guilty to betray them like that. Felt like the fifth wheel that was so unnecessary and didn't really belong despite everything they said to convince him otherwise._

_So he found hope in someone else. In Voldemort who could care less if he lived or died._

_That was life in war, and was the reality well into the years to come._

 ...

Edited 03/02/17 


	3. Chapter 3

March 1980

…

"Are you leaving again?"

"Have to, love." James said, and kissed his wife goodbye. "Be safe."

"Be safe yourself," Lily said, covering her front with a sheet. "Come back as soon as you can."

"I will," James said and kissed her soundly. And after one more glance he was gone.

So Lily got busy.

She made the bed, cleaned the dinner dishes from the night before and put a load of laundry on. She hadn't seen Grimm in a while, but she could only imagine that he was having more fun that she was, maybe hanging out with the other cats in the village.

She cleaned the kitchen top to bottom and washed the curtains on the main floor, ironed them once they were dry and re-hung them. She swept and mopped the floor and dusted the whole house.

And when the day was done, she lit candles around the kitchen and had leftover spaghetti and salad- a dinner for one.

Grimm came back that evening and spent his night curled up beside her on the window seat, the tip of her blanket covering his tail. Lily had started a new novel, Sense and Sensibility and sincerely hoped that it was as good as Emma had been. She could do with a strong female lead to remind her who she once was.

She magically refilled her teacup with hot water and blew on it slowly, watching the colour of the tea bag ooze into the water, swirling it around gently with a spoon.

When it was this quiet, Lily could hear the waves crashing below the cliffs, the smell of the sea surrounded her on all sides. Her little house creaked as the wind blew and Lily sighed- thinking about the nights they had spent curled up on the balcony or their bed just listening like she was now.

Grimm meowed quietly and Lily rubbed his head, placing her tea cup on the windowsill beside her. Grimm didn't care that she was lonely, it didn't matter to him that she was afraid and melancholy over James being in danger and so, so far away from her.

And Lily almost envied him. At least he didn't miss James as much as she did.

The baby fluttered in her belly and she placed a hand over it and smiled quietly.

"He'll be back soon, baby." Lily whispered, "as soon as he can."

…

James pulled two missions that week- one with Sirius and Remus and the other with Amelia Bones, Marlene and Mad-Eye Moody in Sussex, awfully close to his and Lily's old neighbourhood, spying on Death Eater activity in the area.

They had set up camp in the wooded area just outside of Brighton, put up a couple of tents and attempted to start a fire the Muggle way, just to see if they could, and failed miserably. After a quick incendio they transfigured stumps and branches into sofas and chairs and sat around their new magically aided fire.

James didn't though. He was tired of sitting, tired of waiting. He was more than ready for adventure, thank you very much, and was happy to find it wherever he could.

"Having fun, Potter?" Mad Eye asked, and James sighed and looked up across the clearing,

"Just poking around, Mad-Eye," he said, and crawled out from the cave he was in, squinting in the bright daylight. "There's no harm in exploring."

"There is when snakes can bite your bollocks off," Mad Eye countered, and helped James up.

"You're ridiculous," Marlene said, turning away from their campfire to face James. "How old are you?"

"Old enough to know better than to poke around," Mad-Eye said and James shook his head.

"There is no harm in exploring," James said, and brushed off his jeans. "And just as old as you, Marlene thank you very much."

"Lily really keeps you contained," Amelia noticed, pulling a hot dog off of a stick. "It's a wonder how she does it."

"She doesn't contain me," James said. "She brings out the best in me."

"That I believe," Marlene said.

"What about you an Sirius, Marlene?" Amelia asked. "I heard you two were still dating."

"We are," she answered. "I don't get to see him very often, we're both too involved in the Order to see each other much."

"I probably see him more than you do," James said, and threw himself onto the sofa beside Marlene. "He comes home with me sometimes."

"To yours and Lily's house?" Amelia said. "That sounds nice."

"It is," James said. "Lily really misses seeing everybody."

There was silence then. Marlene handed James a bowl full of reheated canned beans and he ate it slowly, thinking about how much Lily would love to be back in the world, to see their friends, to be part of the Order. He knew that she couldn't, it wasn't worth the risk to the baby to be out of hiding.

But the thought still nagged on him, who was he to be out living his life while she wasn't able to? Who was he to be away when she so desperately needed him home?

That day James Potter made a promise. He'd stand by Lily's side through thick and thin, for better or for worse, his own safety be damned. She and the baby came first.

James lived up to his promises.

He kept his word and never backed out of a dare, for good or for ill. He had once said that bravery is in those twenty seconds before you make the biggest decisions of your life, those twenty seconds of doubt and fear and uncertainty. In those twenty seconds, if he pushed everything else aside, James always knew he could make the right decision.

This was one of those times.

His wife was slowly going stir crazy sitting in their little house by herself and James needed to do something about it.

So he did, and right then, sitting by the fire with Marlene he decided that he was going to quit Order missions. Maybe for good.

…

Later that week, James pulled a watch at Order headquarters. There were wards up all over the place, the place was Unplottable even, and although James had always taken Order stuff seriously his fatigue was betraying him. Headquarters quieted around him, he was alone in the dark house and the strange noises scared him half to death. He made himself tea and found some biscuits in the kitchen to have while he waited.

The shift was from ten to five A.M. Sirius stopped by for a drink just after two, and as hard as James tried to keep his eyes open, he knew he was failing. He could've sworn his eyes were only closed for a second before he heard a loud noise and jolted awake.

James scrambled for his wand and held it aloft. Seeing it was only Mad Eye, he relaxed a little, but decided to check to make sure it was really him. You couldn't trust appearances when people had access to Polyjuice, after all.

"What goes well with apple pie?" James asked, holding his wand out in front of him.

"A couple shots of whiskey," Mad Eye said, and James lowered his arm.

"Why are you still here?"

James looked up and yawned, his clothes rumpled and dirty. He was still dazed from sleep and hadn't processed what was said.

"What?" James asked, putting his glasses on his nose.

"I said," Mad Eye repeated, "What are you doing here? It's six o'clock for one thing- your shift ended over an hour ago."

"Who's-Who's my replacement?" James asked, and Mady Eye harrumphed.

"Me," he said, and pulled a chair out for himself on the other side of the banquet table. "Now git on out of here and get some sleep."

"Don't have to tell me twice," James said, grabbing his things from around him and putting his wand in his back pocket.

"Why are you still here?"

"I'm leaving, I'm leaving!" James exclaimed, and looked over at Mad Eye with both confusion and irritation.

"No, not that ya fool," Mad Eye replied. "Why are you still here? Working for the Order? Your wife is pregnant and alone somewhere, y'know. Probably alone too, if I've read you right."

"How did you know about Lily?"

"Word gets around," he replied, shrugging his shoulders. "Now listen, God knows the Order could use with more hands. Could always use more help-,"

"Now if you're telling me-,"

"I'm not telling you anything, son!" Mad Eye exclaimed. "Not officially anyways. Now shut your trap and listen. The Order isn't going anywhere. Voldemort is rising and the Death Eaters are getting more powerful by the day and meanwhile you aren't getting any younger. If Lily is pregnant, than you owe it to her to be with her. She needs you, y'know."

James stopped and looked at his hands. Was he being an ignorant man to her? Was he taking advantage of their time together by fighting for the Order?

"I know, it's just…" James sighed. "I don't know. My interests are divided. I want to be here, I want to be in the world and help, I need to help. I need to be needed and be in the thick of things or I feel so guilty. But I also want to be with my wife and our baby but I feel guilty being with her knowing that people are dying while I'm doing nothing!"

"It's not nothing."

"What?" James said.

"Being with her," Mad Eye repeated. "It's not nothing. You swore you'd be with her through thick or thin, right. That's usually in the vows. Times are thin, lad, where do your interests truly lie?"

"With her," James said promptly, "one hundred percent, it's just-,"

"Just nothing." Mad Eye said resolutely. "You owe it to her to be there. She's your wife, James. I know how strong that girl is, how independent she is, but this is different. She's in near isolation and she needs you there."

"Didn't know you had it in you to have relationship advice, Mad Eye," James said, slipping on his overcoat.

"Yeah, well Lily deserves it. You both do."

James looked back, one hand on the doorknob.

"Thanks," James said, "no seriously. This means to world to me."

"Just get out here, boy," Mad Eye said. "Go back to her."

…

James Apparated onto the front step of the cottage and unlocked the door to the quiet house.

The sun was just beginning to rise over the horizon and James stood for a moment admiring the view through the eastern windows, the quiet sounds of the early morning surrounding him.

Everything was still, the quiet air of the sea hung above and all around him and he listened quietly for the sound of waves crashing on the cliffs. James inhaled and breathed in the wonderfully clean smell that was his wife and was so satisfied to finally be home.

He past the kitchen with its baby blue fridge and Formica countertops and climbed the stairs leading to their bedroom, overjoyed to finally be with her.

The door to their bedroom creaked as it opened and James marvelled at the sight before him. Lily was tucked neatly onto her side of the bed, her hair splayed over her pillow, curly and unruly and bright.

James crouched beside her and ran a gentle hand over her cheek, over every freckle on her cheeks and her wonderfully long eyelashes. She was sleeping in his old Quidditch jersey, buried underneath the sheets and comforters piled on top of her.

She looked beautiful, and in that moment James knew he had made the right choice.

James took off his shoes and hung his jacket neatly over the arm of Lily's reading chair. He pulled up the warm sheets and tucked himself in behind her, breathing in her scent.

Lily groaned and shifted in her sleep.

"James," she whispered. "Is that you?"

"I'm here, love," he whispered back, "I'll always be right here."

"It's you," she said huskily, still half asleep, and turned to face him. "You're back."

"Back for good," James said. "If you'll still have me that is?"

"What you think I got married just for the heck of it?" Lily asked sleepily, and James grinned ear to ear. "Am having a baby with you just 'cause? I'm not stupid you know."

The early morning sunlight threw relief onto their bedroom, Lily's little desk beside the door, the antique chest of drawers and the silhouette photographs of her parents sitting on top. Lily's jewelry box and his shaving kit sat side by side on the desk, and his broom hung up over the door. Their wands sat side by side on the bedside table.

Their room was such a wonderful combination of the both of them. It was painted a delicate shade of yellow and the sunrise lit up the entire room from the two windows facing east and north. There was no his or hers, there was only theirs because even then they were too entwined to tell the difference between the two.

Lily's mum had made their quilt and gave it to them as a wedding present, and it covered them in warmth and familiarity every night. Her reading chair sat in the corner with a cozy blanket on top, a empty mug sitting on the windowsill beside it. Their house looked comforting and familiar and warm, and James was so happy he could burst. They were together at last.

"I love you," he said, and kissed her everywhere he could reach, pulling his wife into his arms.

"Whatever you say…" Lily teased, and then kissed him soundly.

"Good morning, love"

"Good morning," she answered back, and James kissed her forehead. Lily melted into his arms, her warmness seeped into James as he grinned ear to ear.

"You're so beautiful," James said, "do you have no idea how many of my fifteen year old fantasies started with you in my Quidditch jersey?"

"And nothing else?' she exclaimed. "You are such a pervert!"

"With your hair down and wild, telling me how fit I was-,"

"Yep, I definitely married a pervert." Lily said, and pulled the quilt up higher to cover them both. "It's the only thing thats comfortable enough to wear to bed. Not many of my shirts fit anymore. I've appropriated most of your closet since you've been gone, hope you don't mind."

"Why would I mind?" James said. "You look far better in it than I ever did. We'll go shopping sometime soon then for maternity stuff."

"And baby stuff," Lily said.

"And baby stuff. So I was thinking-," James started.

"Oh no, not thinking."

"Oh yeah," James said. "Lots of thinking."

"Don't strain yourself," Lily teased. "Might pop a blood vessel."

"Oh shut up."

"So what is this brilliant idea?" she asked.

"We should visit our parents," James said, and Lily smiled. "We haven't seen them since we went into hiding. I think that they'd like that."

"My mum definitely would," Lily said. "I'm not sure she even knows that I'm pregnant. It would mean a lot to her. But James, we're in hiding for a reason. We can't put the baby in danger."

"That's what I've just been thinking about," James said, and sat up. Lily sighed and lied down on his lap. "We can't give up on our lives because of the war. We have to live, because if we don't Voldemort has already won."

"But- James, we're not in hiding because we like it. We're doing it because it's whats best for the baby!"

"We can't just survive, Lily," James said. "And as great as it is for it just to be the two of us, we're not getting any younger."

"I just turned twenty, James. You're still nineteen,"

"That's not what I meant. Lily when was the last time you saw Sirius? Saw Lupin or Marlene or any of your friends?

"James-,"

"I'm twenty James, your birthday's next week." Lily said. "Our lives are just beginning. This is only the first chapter."

"What if it's not?" James asked. "It's war, we could die at anytime. I want to spend the rest of it feeling alive and free no matter how much time we have left."

"Don't be so gruesome."

"I know we have to make the best of it, I understand that. It's just, that just surviving is slowly killing you."

Lily looked down. There was merit in his words, she hadn't been the same since she had gone into hiding. She was a recluse here, her people-oriented personalty dampened so their child could be safe. She hadn't felt like herself in months, and he was right: it was killing her.

"So what do we do?" Lily said quietly. "Just pack up and leave?"

"I don't know," James said. "I just want you to be happy again."

"I am happy, James. I'm happy when I watch the sunrise with a cup of tea. I'm happy when I feel the baby move and can see the growth their having within me. i'm happy when I have coffee in the village and watch people's days go by. I'm happy when I'm with you, when the three of us are together."

"So let's be together," James said. "How about that? I'll quit the Order and hang out here instead."

"All the time?"

"All the time," James confirmed. "You're past your fourth month now. I should be home all the time in case something happens."

"Nothing's going to happen. We're safe now that you're home."

"You're safe with me, Lily. I'd do anything to keep you and the baby safe.

…

Lily made pancakes and bacon while he made a pot of tea and they ate in comfortable silence. He washed and she dried, and once it was done, they headed back upstairs.

"Why don't we move?"

Lily turned to face him, a confused look on her face.

"Move?" she had said. "Why? We just got settled her."

"I don't know," James said, lying back on their bed with his arms crossed behind his head, Lily curled up on his chest. "Are you happy here?"

"I'm happy wherever you are," she said. "But I don't want to even think about moving until the baby's born. I won't be much help moving when I'm close to delivery. Plus, it's better when you're here. It fills this house up with someone other than me and the baby, which is a huge blessing."

"if you say so," James said.

"If you say so,"

"Are you teasing me, Mrs Potter?"

"Mm," Lily said. "I like when you call me that."

"I like hearing it."

"It doesn't sound like your mother?" Lily asked, and James laughed.

"No one calls her that," he said. "It's Dorea or auntie or mum. She didn't like the formalness of Mrs Potter, she told me once that it makes her feel old.

"Huh," Lily said. "I like it because it makes me feel like an adult. Opposite problem."

Lily sat up on her heels at the foot of the bed, James' t-shirt hugging her belly gently and put her loose hair into a bun.

"You're so pretty,"

"Is that what one says to a pregnant woman, Potter? Not a very endearing compliment."

"Well it's the truth, you know. You've never been more beautiful."

"Because I'm wearing your clothes again?" Lily asked cheekily.

"Because you're going to be a mother, Lily. And yeah, that shirt is definitely sexier on you that it will ever be on me."

"Oh yes," Lily said, securing her bun with a hairband. "Eight o'clock is definitely my beauty hour.'

"You look good because you aren't trying," James said, "You're just you and that's the most beautiful thing in the world. You're a wife and a damn good one at that. You're definitely a Mrs now, I'm afraid."

"Good," Lily said, and cupped her belly with both hands. "Because Baby's only getting bigger from here."

The bare skin of her collarbone shone like marble in the early morning sunlight. Her hair was already falling out of its bun, and loose strands framed her face and James leaned up and kissed her,

"I'd be happy for the rest of my life if we could freeze this moment forever." he whispered and Lily grinned.

"I'm happy wherever you are."

…

Okay so the fact that James is nineteen and Lily's only twenty is freaking me out. They were so young. I mean, i'm nineteen, how crazy is that? They were too young to make these huge decisions but were brave enough to do it anyways, which is something that I've always admired about them as a couple.

Here is also the place where Lily is starting to regain some of her old personality before James went away, which was an interesting character shift. Being around James brings out the true Lily, which is super adorable. They're also in a sort of honeymoon phase after being away from one another for so long, which was super adorable to write.

Also, I've decided to try and keep the word count under 5K hopefully per chapter, a cap that is bound to fluctuate, but is in place for both our sakes.

The game plan moving forward is constantly changing in my mind. I'm thinking that there are going to be a couple of different stories leading up to y'know, Halloween 1981 so I can connect this arc with What Death Has Touched my piece on what happened that Halloween (which you should 100% check out, btw), but a lot is still in the air.

I also didn't get to publishing on Wednesday because I didn't start writing the chapter until Thursday night cause midterms and huge history papers took up most of my week.

What do you guys think? Should I continue until 1981?

Let me know :)

Love,

Violet Sky


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Lily make the decision to visit the Potter's in Godric's Hollow, but an unexpected reality check rocks the course of their future

Ch. 4

Late March, 1980

…

The whole earth was still, and the early morning light peeked over the horizon. The high flying clouds caught the colour and reflected oranges and pinks and yellows wreathed in white for those early enough to see their splendour. The sky was the clearest robin egg blue, and the rising sun cast long shadows over the world below.

The grass was hung with dew and the ocean churned far below the little house on the North sea, waves crashed and mist rose up and above the cliff only to fall on the front doors and rooftops of Bridport. But it was beautiful nonetheless, it was raw and real and so _there_ that it was impossible to ignore. The world was alive; Voldemort hadn't taken everything away after all.

Many were asleep. Most weren't there to see the early morning spectacle of dawn and slept rather than watched. They lay in warm beds with comfortable sheets with minds soaked in dreams. Some were awake for the sunrise, but they were the rarity.

James Potter had been an early riser his entire life, he had never seen the purpose of wasting the day away sleeping. He sat on the roof and faced the dawn with a mug of cooling tea in his hands. It was chilly on the roof, but he brought a heavy coat and a blanket to sit on, a mind full of thoughts to keep him company.

He sipped his tea and thought about everything, watched the sunrise and contemplated this strange life he had found himself in. What was his life now without Hogwarts? What was James Potter without Quidditch or Marauders or pranks? What was he when all he had was Lily and the baby?

 _Happy_ he thought with a smile on his face. Happier than he ever thought he could be. Sure it was terrifying to be expecting a baby in the middle of war, of course it was frightening not knowing what tomorrow could hold or how many people would die. But he was a good man for stress, and even when the world turned against him he knew that his middle would hold as long as Lily was beside him.

She was his world, this little family they had made together meant everything to him. He had been a thrill seeker his entire life, but there was something completely inherit to his personality that demanded peace and quiet, and that was the reality of life in hiding.

He had matured faster that past year than he had in his entire life. Life had forced him to adapt, marriage had aged him in all the right ways. Being a new dad had brought him to accept responsibility and take action, forced him to step up and be loyal to his wife and their baby. He wasn't about to run away, he was no coward. His life was here.

Beside him, his broom lay on the roof. He hadn't flown since Lily had found out she was pregnant, there was no time. On top of that, flying was an enormous risk, it was so easy to get attacked and overtaken being that visible. But it was his birthday, and rules were indifferent on his birthday.

Lily was still asleep, he looked in through the window closest to the bedroom and watched her curl up on her side, the blankets up to her nose. He Banished his tea and his blanket into the house and smiled wide at the very thought of flying again. The fresh air was intoxicating, the gentle wind tousled his hair and he stood, his heart soaring for the feeling of flight.

His broom hovered like a patient dog beside him, and he mounted, kicked off, and flew straight into the open air.

The emptiness of the sky, the openness and the view that it afforded him was worth any risk. The feeling of flight was only second to sex in James' mind, he was so free he could've shouted himself hoarse by the feeling. The ocean spread out below him, dark blue and white, waves crashed on the shore and gulls circled far below him. The cliff shone golden in the sunrise, the rock caught the light and reflected it below onto the water. He flew over the forest behind Bridport, the tall evergreens fresh and clean, flying low enough to brush his shoes against the tallest trees.

It reminded him of practicing Quidditch with Sirius on Saturday mornings, passing the Quaffle and trying new maneuvers. It reminded him of winning the Quidditch cup three times in a row, the feeling of freedom and exhilaration from lifting the cup over his head as all of Gryffindor shouted around him. It brought to mind all the happy memories he had of flying with Lily, her arms wrapped around his waist, the entire world in front of him.

James threw open his arms, breathing in the thin air that always cleared his head and laughed and smiled until tears ran down his face.

 _This is what it was to be free_ he thought. _This is what it is to be unimaginably happy._

But a sinking feeling stopped his train of thought. Far below him, nearly a dot in the landscape, was his house. And inside, his wife might've been almost awake, wondering where he had gotten off to. Kidnapped maybe, perhaps even dead. Certainly missing. She would be panicking, as he would be if she was gone.

 _Gods she must be worried sick_ James thought, and without hesitating, barrel rolled and fell into a deep dive.

The cliff below him was rising closer and closer but James was a good flier. He pulled out just in time for his trainers to brush against the dewy grass and ran the last couple steps into the house.

He took the stairs two at a time, and swung open the door to the bedroom.

His heart sunk; Lily was awake.

"Where _were_ you?" She asked, arms folded. James sighed and hung his broom over the door. "I was terrified! No note, your broom was gone, what did you expect me to think?"

"I thought-,"

"I thought my arse!" Lily shouted. "You could've been missing! You could've- you could've been _dead._ James _where were you?"_

 _"_ Flying," he said. Lily's mouth hung open in shock.

"James do you know how dangerous that could've been? You could've been seen! The Death Eaters would've found us! How could you be so stupid?!"

"Lily I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. As soon as I thought of you, I came straight home." He said, and sat beside her on the bed, rubbed her cheekbones with his thumbs and she sank into his hands. "I just wanted to fly again. It's my birthday."

"Oh James," she said, her whole body exhaling. "I know, it's just not safe. I know you miss it, I know you miss the Marauders and the Order and your old life stuck here-,"

"Wait a second," James said. "I am _not_ saying that. I'm not missing out on anything here with you. You're my family, Lily. That baby is our child, my life is right here."

Lily wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and sniffed. "I'm sorry, James."

"Stop apologizing!" he said, concern in his eyes. "I was being stupid, why are you apologizing?"

"Because this isn't what we wanted," Lily said, her eyes watery. "This wasn't supposed to be our life! We were supposed to be living with friends and neighbours, working for the Order, bringing down Voldemort! But we can't because I'm _pregnant_ and the baby is in danger and we can't leave the house without putting ourselves in the line of fire! I'm sorry we're alone. I'm sorry I've been a bad wife. I'm sorry-"

"Please stop, Lily. I can't bear to hear you apologise one more time." James said gently, pulling her into his arms. "None of that is your fault, can't you see? So what we're in hiding? So what that Voldemort is constantly a threat and we have to live as Muggles? We have each other, isn't that enough?"

"Oh James of course it is," she said. "I'm so sorry I freaked out. I was so worried you had been taken…"

"I'm never leaving you alone." He said, kissing her forehead. "I swear."

"Promise?" she whispered.

"Never again," and Lily sighed in relief. James settled in beside her, tucking Lily into his body and let her warmth and her smell envelop them together. It wasn't flying, it wasn't sex or adrenaline that brought him true happiness any longer. It was her, it had always been her. She was his happy place.

"Happy birthday, love." Lily whispered, and James smiled.

…

Lily made pancakes for breakfast. She had grown up with the tradition of birthday pancakes, whipped cream and strawberries and the familiarity attached to it made her smile. She had thrown a shrug over her pyjamas, made the batter from the recipe she knew by heart and fried batch after batch; the first couple kept warm by magic. James made tea since Lily wasn't allowed to have coffee and knowing how much she missed it, he didn't have it either. He brewed a pot of camomile and filled their glasses with orange juice.

The first stack was ten pancakes high, and Lily set the plate in front of James, who slathered butter and poured syrup over the lot. Lily stuck a candle in the stack, lit it with her wand and told him to make a wish.

"Why would I wish? Everything I need is right here," James said, pulling her into a kiss.

"Nuh uh," she said, smiling widely. "Make a wish. You're twenty now, your whole life is in front of you. What do you want more than anything?"

James stopped and thought for a second, then blew out the single candle.

The pancakes were so thin that they ate them in stacks, syrup and butter trailing down the sides. James topped his with whipped cream, and sprayed some onto Lily's nose just to see her laugh. She sprayed some in his hair in response, which he ruffled with the cream in it, and Lily laughed till she cried at the sight of him. She kissed him, tasting the sweetness of the syrup on his lips and prayed that every birthday could be as wonderful as this one.

…

"I want to see my parents," James said, and Lily stopped, the dusting cloth still in her hand.

"What?"

"My parents," James said, hanging up the broom. "I haven't seen them in months, that's what I want to do on my birthday. I don't even think they know that you're pregnant."

"James, it's dangerous," Lily sighed, tossing the cloth onto the table. "We can't take that risk!"

"It's not a risk, it'll be as safe as we make it!" James said, grabbing her hands in his. "Let's see, we can fly with a Disillusionment charm to Sirius' flat and then Floo to my parents house!"

"James," Lily said. "I've never been comfortable flying, not for that long of a distance and certainly not pregnant. That could get out of hand quicker than we could remedy it."

"But they're my parents," James said.

"I know, James, gods know I know." Lily said. "I miss my parents too! I would love to see my mum and ask her what to do. But I'm scared something's going to happen. We visit your parents and they might become a target because they're close to us. And on top of that, my magic's been unpredictable since January, how do I know that I can protect myself if something does go wrong? Not to mention the fact that I _really_ shouldn't be Apparating any longer, so if something does happen, we can't get out. It just has so many chances to go wrong."

"Remember what I said about living?" James said, and Lily sighed.

"There's a difference between living and being stupid, James. This is a huge risk."

"Fine, we'll go by something Muggle then, a train or a car."

"We don't have a car."

"No, but Muggles do."

"No," Lily said. "No, James! We are _not_ stealing a car!"

"Borrowing then," he said. "How about that? We can leave a tenner on the dash-,"

"No," Lily said. "Sure a car is safer, but we're not stealing, sorry _borrowing_ one without asking first."

"Fine."

"Fine!"

"You don't happen to know someone with a car do you?"

"Oh, for Gods sake, James."

…

In the end, they did 'borrow' the abandoned Buick behind the cafe in Bridport Lily had seen going into town. She had never seen it used, in fact she was nearly sure it was abandoned, but wasn't about to tell James that.

James insisted on driving ("you're in delicate condition!") and despite never having driven before, he was determined to learn how, apparently while he was driving.

"It's just like anything else," he said, rolling the stick under his palm. "All it takes is practice."

"Sure, James," she said, a bemused on her face, "How about you turn it on?"

"I'm working on it," he said, looking all around the drivers seat. "Whereabouts did you say the key goes?"

"Over there," Lily said, gesturing towards the circle beside the steering wheel. "A key we don't have. Move over."

"What're you doing?" he asked.

"A tricky little charm that starts Muggle cars. Marlene and I invented it last year."

"Why?"

"Why do you think?" Lily asked. "Because it's handy to have on hand with a war going on. In case we were stuck somewhere, we could 'borrow' a Muggle car and let the Muggles find it and return it later. Obviously it's immoral, but as long as we left it somewhere with lots of people it was legal-ish."

"Ish?"

"Yes, a very strong _ish,"_

"Oh," James said. "Carry on,"

Lily muttered something that James couldn't hear, and the engine roared to life.

"Fantastic!" James said, watching the dash rumble. "You're a miracle worker."

"Or a thief,"

"Why not both?" James said exuberantly, and changed gears. "Now into reverse."

…

It took three times for James to figure out how to reverse in manual, but once he did, they were off.

The gear box ground horribly when he changed gears, the deep rattling sound cringe worthy. But as he drove down the motorway, he was right, he did get the hang of it. It was lucky that they had petrol, Lily thought, or that would just be another thing to worry about.

"So whereabouts is Godric's Hollow?" Lily asked.

"Not that far away, actually," James said. "It's in Somerset, about half hour flight from a Wedmore."

"But direction wise, how are we supposed to find it?"

"Oh!" James said, and held his wand in one hand and tried to shift gears with the other. " _Point me,"_

The wand spun until it faced true north, and James smiled happily. "See? We just need to keep going north, and we should be fine.

Lily popped the latch for the glove compartment and rifled around for a map, which she found in the back corner.

"North-west, more like," Lily said, pulling a heavily creased and partially torn map of West Country and unfolded it on her lap. "Ah, here we are. There's Bridport, and that must be Wedmore. You need to keep following this road."

"How long is this going to take?" he asked.

"Looks like over an hour, maybe an hour and a half," Lily said, measuring the distance with her fingers. "That is assuming you go sixty the entire way, James,"

James peeked at the speedometer, which hadn't passed forty the entire drive. "Care to take a turn?"

"I would love to,"

James pulled over on the side and opened the drivers door, letting Lily in.

He in turn picked up the map, and took to directing Lily, who let him even though she had been on holiday to Wedmore before and knew where to go.

"When did you learn how to drive?" James asked, and Lily laughed.

"My dad taught me when I was fifteen," Lily said, shifting gears with a lot more grace than James managed to. "I practiced that entire summer and never forgot how."

"Comes in handy now," James said, rolling down the window.

"Yeah it does,"

…

They pulled into Wedmore just after three in the afternoon, at which point James was nearly starved to death. They stopped for hamburgers in the little pub there and continued on their way, mostly by guessing, as Godric's Hollow wasn't on the map. James began to recognize landmarks, and Lily could see his anticipation rising.

"Left or right?" Lily asked, rolling to a stop at a fork in the road.

"Right," James said, "yes, I recognize that clearing. Sirius and I lost a Quaffle around here somewhere in fourth year."

They continued down the tree lined road and Lily too rolled down her window. The Buick didn't have aircon, and it was an unusually warm day for March.

"How much farther is it?" Lily asked,

"Less than five minutes, I reckon," James said. "Hold on, no there it is right there! Hang a left."

Lily did so, and bumped their car down the dirt road. "You sure this is right?"

"Yes!"

The little road continued for a little less than a half mile before opening into a square lined with houses and shops. Lily parked the car on the side of the road and shut down the engine.

"This way Lily!" James said exuberantly, and Lily smiled and grabbed his hand.

He led her past cottages and pubs and little tourist shops, past a pretty old church they had spent Christmas Eve in the year she came to James' house over the hols. They walked past the park they had played Muggle football in before stopping in front of a grand three story mansion.

Potter manor.

…

The sun sat low in the sky and the warm colours of sunset bounced off of windows and the front gardens of the houses surrounding. It was nearing the end of March, and all signs pointed towards an early spring.

It must've rained earlier that day; the street was wet and the unfrozen leaves twisted around in the wind. The streets were empty and the road was empty and the houses were dark, which was strange. It was almost four o'clock according to Lily's watch- people should be coming home from work or from school. People should be cooking dinners and laughing over their days in the sitting rooms.

But that didn't happen, that idyllic picture didn't exist in Godric's Hollow. It once had, and James looked for the reminisce of his childhood in this strange and foreign scene that stood before them.

The whole world was silent, nothing, not even the birds made a noise. In that vast and empty empty, there was nobody. In that street, in that town there was silence and suspense- and none of it made sense.

It was eerie to be the only people there,

Everything was hung in suspense like a murderer was hiding in the shadows waiting for the right moment to uncover himself.

Now they were both scared and the initial thrill of escaping their little house on the sea had long since worn off. This was the real world. This is where Death Eaters could come at any time, this was where werewolves and hags and vampires could attack them, hurt them, maybe even kill them. This is a place where there had once been death and would be death again given time.

But stoic as always, Potter mansion sat all around him as it always had, an imposing three story brick building that looked less than friendly in the faint light. It stood tall beside the decaying and decomposing houses on either side. Ivy climbed up the West wall, and the wrought-iron gate fenced in the small front yard with a gate leading up the walk.

James raised his wand to remove the Magical wards surrounding his parent's house, the complicated spell second nature after casting it so often. He had grown up here, had spent his whole childhood in this house but it was like he didn't recognize it. Coming back to it was like entering a haunted house; unfamiliar and foreign and full of suspense when one least expected it. Once he and Lily closed the gate and passed the boundary for the ward, he reinstated it quickly and turned to his wife.

"What now?" Lily asked.

"Now we go see my parents."

James took her hand and walked up the steps of the old house.

…

The foyer echoed as they shut the door behind them. The lights were all out, and the old house was silent. Which was strange, because even though there were only two of them, there was always noise and voices and activity going on.

"it's exactly as I remember," she said quietly, looking around. "It's so wonderful that even when everything is changing, small pockets of our old lives can remain."

"Exactly," James said, smiling down at her. "I wonder where my parents are, they should've heard us."

"Maybe they're upstairs?" Lily offered.

"Nah, they'd hear the door." James said.

"I'll check the hall," Lily said. "You want to check upstairs?"

"Sure," James said, and followed his wife down the hall to the staircase leading upstairs. Lily peeked around the corner, and called their names into the kitchen and formal dining room.

"Hello?" James said, one hand on the banister. "Mum? Dad, it's me and Lily!"

There was no response. The old house creaked in the wind and made the windows shudder. Looking around, James was unnerved. There was a fine film of dust that coated the banister and the antiques his mum had collected over the years. The house elves would never leave the house in such a state.

Now he was worried. He should've checked in with them more often, they could've been hurt, been taken. They were Pureblood, which it was almost as bad to be a blood traitor these days and their only daughter in law was a Muggleborn. Not to mention Lupin and Peter, who were half-bloods, who had been here every summer since third year.

 _Gods no,_ James thought with a sinking feeling in his stomach. He would never forgive himself if they were captured on his account.

"Maybe they're out," Lily said, rejoining him at the staircase. "They don't have to be home all the time."

"They're _always_ home," James said, running a hand over his jaw. "I'm worried."

There was a crack from above them, and James grabbed her hand in fright. Then there was silence, which was almost worse, the sound of nothingness, the reality that Death Eaters could be hiding behind the drapes, hidden in the shadows was almost too much to bear. After being in hiding for so long, hanging in suspense, being genuinely afraid for their lives was terrifying.

"Something's seriously wrong," James said, and took the stairs two at a time.

"James, wait-," Lily said, joining him. "Hold on, don't run."

"They're not here," James said, running around the second floor anxiously. "They're not here!"

"James!" Lily said, catching him by the arm. "James calm down! We don't know anything yet! They could be down the road picking up milk for all we know! Don't retort to worst case scenario, it never helps."

"They could be captured, they could be _gone!"_ James said hysterically, his pupils thrown wide. _"_ How can you be so calm! They're in trouble! We have to find them,"

"Why don't we search the house, okay?" Lily said, holding his hands in hers. "You take the second floor, I'll take the third. We'll meet back here in five minutes, okay?"

James nodded, and tore down the hall into his parent's bedroom.

Lily went the opposite direction, past the guest bedrooms and baths and climbed the narrow staircase leading to the attic.

She had only been up there once, in the summer after sixth year, she Sirius and James had played Monopoly all night long, the long open room perfectly suited for lounging around without waking his parents up. She wondered if the board was still up here somewhere. The empty Muggle soda bottles were, cluttered on a side table and covered with dust, standing like relics of a long forgotten summer night.

One glance told her that the Potter's were not to be found, not in the attic to be sure. She peeked out the curtains, watching the empty street below with confusion. It was strange for it to be this quiet.

She took care coming back down the steep stairs, and met James at the top of the stairway leading back downstairs.

"Anything?" he asked, and Lily shook her head.

"Gods, I hope they're okay," James said, and scrubbed his jaw with his hand.

"There's nothing you could've done," Lily said. "Even if you had been in regular contact, there was nothing you could've done."

"That's not true," James said. "There's always something we could've done."

"No, its not. But its assurance for now. You can't save the whole world, James."

"No, but I need to protect my family," he said. "You, the baby, our parents. Gods, Lily I couldn't even protect my _parents."_

 _"_ Don't you dare put this on your shoulders," Lily said forcefully. "Don't you dare take responsibility for something outside your control. That's a slippery slope that leads nowhere productive. _Think_ where could they be?"

Before James could answer, the house shuddered and shook; throwing vases and ornaments off the tables, paintings off the walls. James and Lily clung to one another, their eyes wide with shock.

"What the hell was that?" Lily said under her breath.

"I don't know," James said, raising his wand slowly. "Stay behind me."

"I'm not an invalid," Lily said indignantly. "I can hold my own."

"No, you _will_ stay behind me. And under the Cloak." James said, holding her by her shoulders. "You're protecting the baby too, and that's not worth the risk. Don't be reckless."

"You're one to talk," Lily said, but took the offered Cloak anyway and threw it over herself. She felt silly balancing the cloak over herself, but did it anyway, and followed her husband up the stairs back into the attic.

…

"They shouldn't be able to see us!" James hissed. "the magic is impenetrable!"

"You're sure you didn't cast it wrong?" Lily whispered, peeking through the curtains. James rolled his eyes. "Maybe I broke it somehow, I'm not a blood relative,"

"No, that can't be right," James said, looking her up and down. "The baby is a Potter,"

"Yes, but I'm not. Not by blood."

"If you want to get into the technicalities, yes you are." James said. "Exchange of bodily fluids, as it were."

Lily slapped him, a blush crawling up her cheeks. "Don't be crude."

"It wasn't you," James persisted, peering through the curtains. "I wish my parents were here, Dad would know what to do."

"Why don't we just get out of here," Lily said, "Just Apparate?"

"We shouldn't," James said. "It could be dangerous for the baby. Plus, I want to find out what's going on."

Below them, they could see men in dark cloaks circling the old house, their wands at their sides. Even though they knew the house was invisible, it was no reassurance. It didn't seem to be stopping the Death Eaters, and James and Lily felt bare and exposed under their scrutiny.

"So why are we up here?" Lily asked, slipping the cloak off her shoulders, crouching down by the window beside James.

"That wasn't normal, something bad is happening."

"Death Eaters?"

James nodded.

"Maybe worse. You see those men there?" James said, pointing to the black dots far below them. "Werewolves, but it's hard to say one way or another. I think what we heard and felt was the breaking of the wards around the house."

"Can you reinstate them? Lily asked.. "How'd they get the wards down in the first place?"

"No idea," James said. "Hold on, I could try, but we'd need to be outside."

"No way you're going out there," Lily said. "Do you not see them? There's more of them now."

She was right. Death Eaters dressed in all black Apparated every couple of minutes onto the street below, all looking up at the grand house with a look of triumph in their eyes. More were Apparating by the minute, and a small crowd was gathering in front of the house.

"It's no use, I have to try." James said. "We can't help ourselves or my parents by hiding in the attic.

"But there's more to it than just wards," Lily said. "What's plan B?"

"You Floo out of here, leave me behind."

"That's running, it's not a plan,"

"You're worth more to them than I am," James said. "They're after the baby, they have to be. They knew that we'd come. But we can't leave before I get the wards back up or we can't guarantee an escape."

"They might have them, James," Lily said quietly. "The Death Eaters might have taken your parents to make you bargain for them. You can't give yourself up, you won't be helping anybody that way."

"So what is the plan then?" James said.

"Surrender!" a voice said from outside, and both fell backwards to be out of sight from the window. "Surrender the child!"

"You put the wards up from the backyard," Lily said. "I wait under the cloak and we rendezvous by the fireplace, we'll escape as soon as the wards are back up."

"Be safe," James said, kissing her quickly.

"Be safe yourself,"

…

Lily walked quickly and quietly to the opposite side of the attic, passing couches and rugs as she passed and crouched beside the window. James should be outside any second now.

The yelling continued outside, the threats and jeering threw shivers up her spine. She pulled the cloak closer around herself.

James opened the back door and shut it quietly behind him. He walked a couple of feet out and cast the same spells he had earlier. They had thought that the spell had been faulty, that it hadn't worked somehow because his parents weren't here. But Lily knew that wasn't quite true. It hadn't worked because an exterior force had been counteracting the magic faster than he could cast it, which meant that the Death Eaters or whoever it was had been watching the house for some time, anticipating their arrival.

Which only cemented Lily's initial thought that this was a bad idea from the get-go.

James was standing on the front step, the complicated list of wards reinstated, when the back gate popped open and James was dragged to the front street.

…

"James!"

She tore down the staircase and threw open the front door just in time to see him kicked in the stomach. She screamed and cast a non-verbal blasting curse, which not only blasted the Death Eaters away from James, but also tore a hole in the pavement below.

She ran to him, and took him in her arms. There was blood dripping out of his mouth and he sagged against her.

"Don't-," he said thickly. "Get out of here! They're here for you!"

"

Lily pushed James behind her, dropped the cloak in exchange for her wand, and faced the Death Eater standing in front of her.

"Lily run!" James said thickly, attempting to get up. "Get out of here! I can hold him off,"

"I won't!" Lily said, raising her wand as well. "I'm not leaving without you!"

"Those are quaint words, Potter," the man said, and Lily baulked at his words. "Considering you're going to die here,"

"That's big coming from someone who's too scared to remove his mask and give himself away." Lily retorted.

The man swept his wand in front of his face, and the white mask evaporated. His face was cruel, long scars covered his face and he smiled coldly.

"Found you," he said quietly.

…

"What do you want?" James said loudly.

"Oh, the child of course," the man said. "But all comes in due time. You're outnumbered, you'll break eventually."

"You don't know what you're up again," Lily said, "you're nothing,"

"No, but I represent something, Mudblood-,"

"Don't you dare," James said strongly and stood, facing the man bravely with several broken ribs.

"The Death Eaters outnumber your little Order twenty to one," the man continued, and smiled a cold smile. "You've no chance, you're not making it out of this alive."

"You don't care about us," Lily said reverently. "All you want is the baby; which is too bad, really, stillborn. I'm to be induced next week."

"Lies," the Death Eater said, but he looked uneasy. "The Dark Lord would know if the child was already gone,"

"Would he?" James asked. "Even we didn't know until yesterday. You're information is outdated."

"You're terribly flippant about your own dead child," the man continued, and James pushed Lily behind him. "the others were far more protective over their offspring."

"Frank and Alice!" Lily hissed in his ear.

"So hand it over," the man said, holding out his hand impatiently. "Surrender the girl."

"Never!" James screamed, and out of his line of sight, cast a _Protego_ charm between him and Lily, twisting it in front of him just in time to block the curse of the Death Eater, which spit red fire around them.

She cast blasting curses, jinxes and charms that only seemed to be enraging the Death Eaters that surrounded them. To her left she heard the growling noise of a wolf and gasped when she saw Fenrir Greyback, his cruel black eyes glaring back at her.

She turned her back for a moment when she heard the cry of pain, and when she turned she saw what was left of James Potter lying beneath her.

…

Her scream shattered the windows of the entire neighbourhood, and the broken glass littered the street below. She took him in her arms and attempted to tug him behind her, to no avail.

"James! We can't stay here!" Lily said, and tugged his hand away from the wreckage. "They're here for us! We need to run!"

James didn't respond, and Lily ran her fingers over his bloody sleeve in shock. She shook her head and tried to haul him away, but wasn't getting very far; he was heavy and she was already weak from fear and stress. Behind her, the Death Eaters continued to advance.

James had no pulse. His face was bloody and scarred, and he was limp lying beneath her. His clothes were torn, his glasses broken and lying in pieces around him. His legs were caught underneath rubble, stuck utterly. She tried his wrist for a pulse and found nothing.

He was gone.

After all they had gone through, all they had survived side by side, he couldn't die now. He couldn't. Tears slipped down her nose and splashed on his cheeks, the wet trails cutting through the dust and the blood. She knelt down before him, kissing him deeply, embracing him completely, like he had to her so many times before. She wanted nothing more than to collapse on top of him, to give up, to surrender. What was there to live for when James Potter was dead?

"James!" she shouted hysterically, shaking his shoulders with tears streaming down her face. "James, get up! They're here, they found us! James, we need to get away!"

He said nothing. She dropped his hand from hers and stood with weak knees and a bleeding heart.

She would've surrendered had it not been for the baby. He was their baby, their child; the baby boy that was going to be born at the end of July. He was worth living for, and she was not going to surrender her baby. Not at the pain of death, not for anything. She would kill Voldemort and everyone who ever sided with him if it meant keeping her family safe.

Lily stood fast, her wand held tightly in her hand. And even though it was shaking she stood tall.

"Get back!" she shouted, and cast wordless magic over the lampposts that lined the streets, and they collapsed onto the street, taking a few Death Eaters with them. Others baulked and some of the masked men jumped, but most continued walking towards her, their sadistic smiles watching her.

"We'd prefer to leave you alive," one of them said, his silver mask concealing his features. "The Dark Lord would hate to hear about the unwarranted spilling of magical blood."

"I'd die before I'd join him," Lily spat. "I'd die before I gave myself over!"

"The child will die either way," another said. "Surrender or rebel, he has no chance. Look at your husband."

Lily stood her ground, glared at the Death Eaters like she had nothing to lose. She must've looked pathetic, not dangerous or particularly powerful. She could use that to her advantage. They might underestimate her, the pregnant woman with a dead husband…

She choked back a sob, and refused to look down, she couldn't dwell of James or she would break down. So she redirected her sadness into fury and faced the Death Eaters with fire in her eyes.

"He has every chance," Lily said, "get away from my family."

"Oho!" the first man said. "Your dead family?"

Lily remained, her wand hand steady and powerful. She looked at the unstable street separating them; the weak and cracked cobblestones and got an idea.

"The one you failed to capture," she said venomously. "Quite the opposite, I'm afraid. You know what keeps people alive? It's not courage, not God or fate. It's wit. Well done picking a spot with a weak foundation, assholes."

"You'll do nothing of the sort," another one of them said, bowing slightly at the waist. "How peculiar it is to find you hear, Mudblood, we've been searching for you for two months without a trace. And now here you are, in Godric's Hollow, alone, your husband dead behind you. What do you have to live for?"

"More than you," she said, her mind going a mile a minute. She couldn't let them get much closer or the baby would be in danger.

 _Good God, the_ baby. Lily thought desperately. _How am I going to protect James, me and the baby at the same time?_

So she did what she did best; tried to talk her way into an escape plan. She had to protect her family.

"Malfoy, is it?" she said. "Haven't seen you in a while. God knows your wife must be around her somewhere."

"Be silent," Lucius Malfoy spat, and Lily smiled quietly, proud to have gotten under his skin.

"Mulciber, Avery, Karkaroff, you lot are awfully predictable, you know. You have no idea you walked straight into a trap."

Some of the Death Eaters faltered and looked around, looking to Malfoy, who now only stood ten feet away from her.

"Those names are lies," he said smoothly. "Lies fed to you by the Order, false leads we planted to get Dumbledore off our backs. I'm pleased to see it worked. But we're not here for formalities, Mudblood, we're here for the child."

"You'll never catch me alive. I'd die for my family, you're not taking him away from me,"

"Oh a _boy_ is it?" he said, raising his wand. "How convenient. Surrender, Potter, or a worse fate awaits you."

Lily cast a wordless _Protego_ in front of her, and Lucius sneered.

"You think that'll protect you," he said. "How foolish you are. There are dozens of us, and you're alone. How do you expect to protect him as well as you and the child?"

 _That's a good question,_ Lily thought, and raised her wand as well. Apparating was too dangerous this late into her pregnancy. It could hurt the baby, maybe even trigger labour, but she couldn't think about that right now. She couldn't fight, that was out of the question. There was too much to lose if she went on the offensive. Malfoy was right, she couldn't protect herself and James at the same time. Retreat was her only option, even if it felt cowardly, she'd do it to protect the people she loved.

Death Eaters were advancing before her, stepping over the rubble from the fallen stone that cluttered the street in front of her.

Lily held her ground, bent down and wrapped James' fingers around her ankle. She grabbed the Cloak with her other hand.

She raised her wand, dozens of spells filtering through her mind, she looked up quickly, and spying the elaborate porch ceiling above her, cast another blasting spell. She bent down to James, and Disapparated as the bricks, stone and metal of Potter Manor exploded around her.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Death Eater attack in Godric's Hollow continues to hold implications for their future, with James' life being held in the balance Lily is faced with a heartbreaking reality.

The sky was grey on the day James Potter died.

Grey and dark, dark with a storm rolling in. No sunshine, no daylight, just the oppressive darkness and the feeling of thunder in the air.

It was a horribly ordinary day for an extraordinary man to die: white and a darker grey of an oncoming storm swirling around in the vastness of the sky. There was no clear blues, no burning sun, no signs of the life James Potter valued at all.

But a great man died that day, on the 27 of March, 1980. A husband, a father, a friend, a procurer of chaos, the master of pranks, and the very last of the Marauders and the first of them all to fall. He died under an unknown curse on the doorstep of his parents house, knowing that they were missing and possibly dead because of him. He died in front of his wife, the love of his life, without a second to spare to tell her goodbye.

It was grey, just grey, for miles and miles and miles. Nothingness stretched onwards forever, and even the darkness mourned for the loss it had seen.

James Potter, that great and terrible man, was dead.

His life burned twice as bright for half the time, it wasn't right that a man like that had died on his twentieth birthday. It wasn't right that his wife was pregnant and the war was still on and he was paralyzed and unconscious in the moments before he died.

It was cold too, as if he needed another misfortune and that most unfortunate day. The air felt like rain was coming, but then again, the rain would always come.

James Potter would have wanted sunshine in the moments of his death, bright light and a steady wind. This rain was early.

To be honest with you, from a casual onlooker to the rest around, this was a paradox; this particular death for this very particular man. It wasn't yet his time. Anyone could have seen it, there was something so _wrong_ about his death. It was too quick, too sudden. It came with no warning and took no preparation and very little pain if he had, indeed, died; if he had breathed his last on his birthday in 1980.

So perhaps not all was lost, perhaps his true demise was still yet to come: on a bright sunny morning, perhaps, one hundred years from now.

But it didn't, you will come to realize. James Potter didn't die that day in 1980, but he would soon. He had a scant nineteen months to live that day in March, not quite two years. But die he would, and nobly he did, sacrificial love planted his feet and closed his eyes in the thought he was protecting his wife and son behind him.

It will come to no surprise to you then that James Potter had the good fortune of dying more than once. His first was in his wife's arms in a Muggle alley, on a cold afternoon in 1980. The second was on a staircase, wandless, with his wife and son behind him. Both times, it was curses, but at least this time it wasn't Avada Kedavra. That was still yet to come.

And yet, he still died. His rapidly thumping heart came to a sudden stop and his eyes closed on their own accord. He had died right in front of her, only Lily didn't know it at the time. She was too busy trying to save his life.

…

_"James we have to go!"_

James' head felt like marble, it was incapable of independent movement, lying heavy and immobile on the ground. He knew he was in danger, but it seemed like a far off thing; not dangerous or life threatening; perhaps he had imagined it. The fight, the bright purple light as it hit his heart and made the air crackle and smoke around him. He remembered the pain of a spell hitting his chest, felt his heart stop and start, his breathing fall shallow and strong over and over again.

_It's killing me,_ James remembered thinking. _I'm going to die here._

Or maybe not, maybe nothing was wrong at all, perhaps he was just asleep. Maybe he had imagined it all, maybe it was a trick of his subconscious, this death. Maybe he'd wake up in cold sweat, safe and sound in his bedroom.

His body felt disconnected from his thoughts; it felt like he was watching himself through half-shut eyes. But he couldn't see, couldn't properly think, couldn't move. Something must be broken, he thought sleepily. Something was seriously wrong, and even then James knew he was holding on to the last strings of consciousness. It wouldn't be long now.

There was a female voice, insistent and strange sounding hovering over him. He didn't recognize it, the sound was completely foreign to him. His ears rang like they were filled with cotton.

It sounded urgent, and James wanted to help her, he really did. Hands cupped his face and thumbs rubbed circles on his cheekbones as tears rained down on his forehead. Warm lips touched his and James leaned into the touch, so familiar but so strange at the same time.

But he couldn't move, couldn't open his eyes or move his head and that scared him. He could't feel his toes or his fingers or the feeling of the ground below him and it was terrifying. So while she shook him and cried over his numb body, he closed his eyes and all else faded away.

She smelled familiar though, that gingery smell was some sort of perfume, a heady smell that brought back memories of Lily Evans lying on his chest in the Gryffindor tower. The girl was screaming again, tugging at his body. He wanted to help her, honestly he did. But he couldn't. He couldn't feel his body anymore, and his mind was going fuzzy.

James' eyes lolled back inside his head and he knew no more.

…

Lily knew that James might already be dead. His breathing was shallow and his skin was cold and clammy and deathly pale, and when she tried for his pulse, it was faint and sporadic. She knew that if he by some miracle was still alive, he wouldn't have very much longer.

She rummaged through his pockets desperately as the Death Eaters covered around them and took his wand with her own, channeling a powerful exploding curse to collapse the front porch. She gripped her husband's body below her and Disapparated; the thick cloud of dust obscuring both hers and the Death Eater's view of the other.

They landed in the back alley behind St. Mungo's with a sharp crack, with stones and chunks of broken concrete raining around them. Lily cast a quick _protego_ and collapsed to the pavement, James limp beneath her. Blood dribbled out of his mouth and stained her blouse, and she nearly lost consciousness at the sight. She herself was weak, dizzy and nauseous from Disapparating, scared beyond belief and terribly sore. But she had their wands, the house key, all of their worldly possessions kept safe at the cottage. She had James, but she didn't dare consider the possibility that he might already be _gone_. She had to hope that he would be okay, she had to be brave for both of them. But the adrenaline was fading, and sharp shooting pains ran through her abdomen and she doubled over from the pain of it.

She let go of James' hand and curled into the foetal position, hands over the baby within her, horrified that she hadn't thought twice about Appparating this late in her pregnancy. She might have saved her husband but killed their baby in the process.

The pain returned in earnest a minute later and Lily cried out, tears streaming down her face as the baby tossed and turned within her. Nausea overtook her and she vomited on the pavement below her, her body shaking from the pain. She begged every deity she had ever heard from to take away her pain, to give her relief, to let her rest. But it never gave up, and the spasming pain in her lower abdomen never let up, a worse pain than anything she had ever felt before. It felt as though all there was was suffering and anguish and pain and everything else was a deception. A lie, because all there was now was the pain.

Her body shook silently as she curled her body around her baby, anchoring it to herself as if she could, by will alone convince him to stay. Convince him not to leave her, it was too early, he would die if she had to give birth now. She would lose her baby because she was too weak, and if he died tonight, she would never forgive herself.

A sharp spasm encompassed her lower stomach and Lily shook her head desperately as tears ran down her face and screams and profanities leaked out from her lips. She was going to lose him, lose both of them, the two most important people in her life in the same night. Lose them both to her mistakes.

The sharp throbbing returned in earnest, but Lily was too weak to scream. Too weak to give birth in an alley by herself, too weak to try save her own life, if not only for the baby's sake. She couldn't, she couldn't do it. James was dead, the baby was dead, and it was just as well that she should die tonight too.

Suddenly, there was nothing, and the pain left as quickly as it had come. She wiped her sweaty hair off her forehead and collapsed on top of James, hands gripping her belly until she realized that he was silent.

The baby wasn't moving.

She screamed as tears ran down her cheeks, she reached around her belly and elevated her legs as if to convince herself not to miscarry, not to lose their baby. But she was tired, and it was hopeless. What life did she have when James Potter was dead? She couldn't bear the thought of living without him, she couldn't lose him, not after all they'd lost and overcome together.

So she took James' hand in her own and curled into his side, sweaty and cold and weak, the baby still and silent within her and when her belly began to spasm once more, she fell unconscious as a sweet release from the pain.

…

Lily's sleep was disconcerting.

She remembered a strange buzzing noise, the sound of many people shouting and the wave-like feeling of healing spells cast on her. She lie still, half awake, well aware how temperamental healing charms were, and before the people were done, she was once again asleep.

She woke for a second time in a hospital bed. She groaned quietly as she opened her eyes, the blinding whiteness of a mid afternoon sun blazing in her eyes. She rolled over and flung an arm over her eyes in the attempt to block the light to no avail. Moving made nausea run through her like a wave so she lied still and breathed deeply, something she had often tried in her first trimester to alleviate morning sickness. She sighed in relief when it passed.

Lily blinked and opened her eyes, taking in the sterile environment, the sickly sweet smell of open wounds and antiseptic. She was in a hospital.

But she felt _sore,_ there was no way around it. She lifted up the hem of her hospital gown and felt the tender skin of her belly, wondering if the baby was okay. She was terrified that she might've splinched him, might've hurt him in their escape. But he rolled over in her belly and she could've cried with relief. He was okay, their child was okay too. She placed her hands over the tumbling child within and sent him all the love and peace she could spare, hoping that it would be enough to protect her baby.

Upon looking down, she saw smooth arms and legs, no burns or cuts. She wondered if the healers had done somethings to erase marks while she was unconscious, to take away old scars and burn tissue, to erase any evidence of survival from her body. She wondered what they had given her to sleep, it felt like she had been unconscious forever.

Succumbing to alertness, Lily sat up, her hospital gown crinkling as she did so. She wasn't bolted to the bed, but she felt uneasy and on edge, as if potions were just beginning to wear off. A glass of water sat on her nightstand, and she drank deeply, applying little pretence to the thought that she was alone.

The room was white, partitioned off with sheets. The bed she was lying on was narrow and the sheets were thin and starchy. There was a chair in the corner, worn wood, with blankets piled high on top of it. She remembered the hospital, having waited by the bedside of both James and Remus when they were still at Hogwarts. The antiseptic feel was familiar and comforting; it reminded her of the hospital wing, of the clinic by her parent's house she had been to a couple of times. It reminded her of comforting childhood memories, sitting by the bedsides of friends in the stillness of the hospital, holding James Potter's hand in his sleep and kissing him when he woke up.

Lily started when the bundle of blankets moved, and when the hood was removed, startled but relieved to see Sirius Black's face looking back up at her.

"Hey Ginge," he said quietly. "Glad to see you up."

"How long have I been-been out for?" She said, a yawn interrupting her words.

Sirius looked at her with an empty expression. "I don't know, a day or so? Feels like longer. You haven't been awake for longer than fifteen minutes in the past week."

"Is the baby okay?" she asked.

Sirius smiled gently. "He's gonna make it. James-,"

"What? Where's James?" she said immediately as reality hit her square on, looking at Sirius with wild eyes. She felt terrible having not thought of him before. "He's not-not… he's not _dead,"_

"Other end of the hospital, still unconscious."

She started to rise from her bed, but Sirius was at her side in a second, his strong hands around her shoulders.

"No, you rest," he said calmingly, like he had when they were thirteen and she broke her leg falling off a broom. Steady, warm and concerned but not pitiful, which Lily appreciated. "Rem and I are watching out for you two."

"I need to see him,"

"No, you need to rest," he said. "You're hurt bad, Lils. You need to take it easy. Remus is gonna be here in an hour, he'd like to see you."

"Remus," Lily said, a huge sense of relief followed with the knowledge that James was going to be okay. "He's back?"

He nodded. "And unharmed, relatively; he's got a broken arm, crazy scars, but they fixed him. He's a little messed up, y'know. But we're all a little fucked up."

Sirius sat down beside her and Lily leaned into his shoulder.

"How bad is he?" Lily asked, hesitant to hear the answer. He had been almost dead last time she had seen him, after all.

"Pretty bad," Sirius said, and Lily sighed sadly. "They still don't know what hit him, it could've been anything coming from a Death Eater."

"At least he isn't dead," Lily said, trying to hold back tears.

"He came close, Lils. This isn't over yet." Sirius put his head in his hands and came back up looking ten years older with grief. "They think they were targeting his memories."

…

"What?"

"The spell, I was talking to the healers. They think it ate away at his memories, starting with the most recent and going backwards. The longer he was exposed to it, the more," he sighed and ran his hands through his hair, making him look mangy and wild. "The more it took. So I don't know, no one knows. He hasn't woken up since you've been here, and you've been in hospital for a week."

"Sirius, you tell me what's going on, _right now!"_ she said suddenly, grabbing at him. "That's not true, it can't be! Sirius, tell me the truth!"

He took both of her hands in hers, but that reminded her too much of James and she wrenched her hands away.

"Lily, I'm not lying," he said brokenly.

"No it can't be true, it can't be! No one could be that cruel!"

"Lily, please calm down. Please sit still, you're still healing, sit still for the baby's sake."

"No I will _not_ calm down!" She shrieked, slamming her fists down onto the bed even though it hurt to be moving so quickly. "You drop that on me and expect me to be calm! You tell me my husband lost years of his memories and I should sit back and be quiet! Are you _insane_!"

"Lily, you almost lost the baby," Sirius said quietly. "Please listen to me."

She raised her hands to her mouth, the reality of the situation hitting her like a truck. She would do anything for her baby, she'd live and die as long as he was safe. And he needed her to be calm, so she took a deep, shaky breath and steadied her hands to clutch at the sheets below her while tears ran down her cheeks.

"James is okay for now," Sirius said, "I saw him this morning, he's in a medically induced coma, whatever that means. The healers have been working around the clock for him, they're doing everything they can. But he needs rest, and he needs time, same as you. You won't be helping James by crying for him."

"He might be _gone,_ Sirius. After all this time, he could be taken from me and there's nothing I can do?"

"You can hope," Sirius said. "You're the believer in impossible dreams Lils, remember? No me. You believed James would fall in love with you and he did, and if he forgets, he can love you again. Not all is lost."

Lily looked up at him, her eyes shining with tears, and Sirius took her into his arms like he had all those years before. Like he had back on the day her sister rejected her and Snape abandoned her and she felt so alone. He was there for her then, and he was there for her now. Like he always would be, her best friend until James would return to her.

Even then when they knew nothing, Sirius knew he couldn't help her. So he held her as she cried and whispered calming words and promises into her ear until she exhausted her tears and fell into sleep.

…

The next time she awoke, she was alone.

It was the same room, she was relatively sure, but Sirius' chair was unoccupied. The room spelled strongly of of disinfectant and latex, and she sighed deeply and fell back onto her pillows.

"Glad to see you're awake," a voice said from the doorway. Lily opened her eyes and saw a blonde healer standing with a clipboard in her hands. "Just here to check your vitals, no need to fear."

Lily nodded and the healer put her clipboard down on the nightstand and pulled up Sirius' chair.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, dipping her quill in ink. "Nausea? Headache?"

Lily sat up with a groan. "My belly aches."

The healer waved her wand over Lily's midsection and shook her head. "The foetus was in distress following Disapparation. You came close to miscarrying."

Lily's heart leapt into her throat and she froze. Even though she had known the baby was in trouble the thought of miscarrying was unbearable to stomach. "Is he okay?"

"We stabilized him using Muggle techniques," the healer said, exchanging her wand for a quill. "Which is uncommon, but magical medicine is primitive in many ways to Muggle techniques. We strengthened your cervix and gave you something to calm the baby down. A Muggleborn healer thought of it fast enough for the baby to survive."

"Oh thank God," Lily sighed, and cradled her belly gently. "Remind me to thank them, they saved my baby's life."

"Certainly," the healer said, "her name is Melody, I'll arrange tea once you're well enough." Lily smiled.

"That's kind," Lily said. "I would like that."

The healer jotted down a few notes and the two remained in a comfortable silence while her wand preformed preliminary tests over Lily's body. Her heart still ached thinking about her husband, but all she could do now was keep herself healing and healthy, for both the baby's sake and her own, until she could see James again. She was putting her life in this woman's hands she barely knew. Lily didn't even know who she was.

"What's your name?" Lily asked, looking up at the healer. "I should have asked earlier."

"Catherine," the blond healer replied and offered her hand, which Lily shook. "Pleased to formally meet you,"

"Likewise," Lily said. "Although I wish it could've been under more pleasant circumstances,"

Catherine smiled and wrote down a note regarding test results.

"I won't lie to you and say you'll be up and moving in no time," Catherine said. "You're still badly injured internally and will require weeks of rehabilitation before you can be discharged from intensive care."

"I thought as much,"

"This is now a high risk pregnancy," Catherine continued, crouching down to be on her level. "I highly recommend bedrest until you give birth, for both the child's sake and your own."

"Bedrest?" Lily said. "My husband is unconscious and you want me to stay in bed?"

"You nearly died," Catherine said, and Lily started. "In fact, you lost a pulse four times in the past week. So yes, if you plan on staying alive yourself and keeping your baby safe you _are_ staying here."

"Oh,"

_"_ Yes," she said, her no nonsense tone strangely familiar. "Now, would you like something to eat?"

Lily let out a scared breath, grasping for any memories of the last week and coming up with nothing other than her brief exchange with Sirius. How could she have forgotten so quickly?

"Um, crackers please," she said, and then paused. "Maybe something fizzy?

"I'll see what I can do," Catherine said, and just as she turned the corner, Lily fell once again into sleep.

…

By the time she came around for good, it was late afternoon. Lily didn't know if it was the same day or not as the previous waking encounter, and didn't care enough to ask.

Remus was leaning against the wall, his cardigan worn and fraying around the edges. He was thinner than usual, and had an angry looking bruise on his left cheekbone, and Lily hated to think of how he had gotten it. Maybe at the mission Dumbledore had sent him on all those months ago.

"Hey, Remmy," she said softly, and Remus jumped.

"Lils!" he said, and ran to her side, but exhaustion showed on his face. She wondered absentmindedly if it was close to the full moon. "I was so worried."

"I'm going-going to be okay, that's the important thing. I didn't miscarry, the baby's going to make it."

Remus' body relaxed as he sighed and hugged her. "Thank the gods, I was so worried."

"But I'm on bedrest until I give birth, the healer called it a high risk pregnancy because of what happened. I Disapparated-,"

"You did what?" Remus breathed. "Lily, you _know_ better! It's so dangerous to Apparate during pregnancy! There had to have been another way! What happened?"

"There _was_ no other way!" Lily said. "James was _dead,_ Remus! He didn't have a pulse! Death Eaters were after us! What the hell did you expect me to do?!"

"What? Why were there Death Eaters? Where were you?"

"You don't know?" Lily yelled. "How don't you know? Why the hell did Sirius not tell you?"

"Sirius isn't here! He's on a mission for the Order; gonna be back next week. I haven't seen him, haven't seen Peter, haven't seem anyone but you or James and the _bloody healers_ won't tell me anything because I'm not family!"

Lily let out a shaky breath and tried to remain calm. Remus wasn't at fault here, all he was trying to do was help, and he had, he was being so kind and all she was doing was yelling at him. What kind of person was she?

_Scared,_ Lily thought. Scared out of her mind.

"We-we went to James' parents house," Lily said, groaning as she sat up. Her belly was still tight and sore. "It was his birthday, and he wanted to see them. But we were ambushed, the Death…the Death Eaters have his parents, and we fell right into a trap. James was duelling a Death Eater, and he got hit and was unconscious and they were closing in. There was no way out; so I Apparated here hoping they could fix him, but he's in a _coma_ Remmy, how could I have let him go!"

"Lily," Remus said, his eyes sad and concerned. "It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known. Please stay still, you're still healing. Don't get up, that's it."

"But we're in _hiding,_ Remus!" She said despairingly, tears splattering onto her knotted fingers. "The baby is in danger and we-we were so stupid into coming, I should have known better, I should've said no, I could've-,"

"You couldn't have done anything," Remus said, rubbing his thumbs over her cheeks. "James is a mule when he's set on something. Nothing you said would've made a difference. And anyway, what's done is done. James is strong, he'll pull through."

"I can't," Lily said, a new wave of tears smarting in her eyes. "I might not, I could still lose the baby _and_ James. Oh, Remmy, I'm so scared."

Remus pulled her close and let her cry into his shoulder, sitting side by side with her on the tiny cot like they had all those years ago in Gryffindor tower. But this wasn't playing chess by the fireplace, this was real life. this was his best friend unconscious and his wife in hospital and their baby on Voldemort's radar. This was life in war.

Remus hadn't seen or heard from another wizard in three months, ever since he took Dumbledore's mission at the werewolf colony under an oath of secrecy. This was not seeing his best friends for twelve weeks only to find Sirius missing and James in the hospital and Peter unaccounted for. This was doubting his friends at the height of the war when he still had everything to lose and coming home to this broken reality.

This was life when nothing made sense and everyone she had ever loved had abandoned her. This was the pain she went through when Snape cursed her, when her sister disowned her. This was mind-numbing pain that couldn't be processed and for the millionth time in his life, Remus wished he could take her pain as his own, take that burden from her shoulders, as she should never have to carry it alone. She had always been there for him, and now it was his turn to repay the favour.

So he let her cry, and settled with not knowing, not helping other than encouraging words and careful hugs until she fell asleep once more.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a week in St. Mungo's, James' malady is diagnosed and he is set on an uncertain path to health

Lily dreamed about their house, as she often did. Their little yellow and blue house on the sea, its clapboard windows, the soft chair in their bedroom. She dreamed of the wind chimes ringing on the porch, the smell of the sea churning below as they watched the sunrise. She dreamed of his solid presence in that little house, his broom over the bedroom door, their wands together on the nightstand, the smell of his aftershave lingering wherever he'd been. He'd come up behind her, smile and take her hand, and in that moment she felt invincible.

She remembered and reminisced those sweet winter days spent in the dark, warm mugs in their hands and Grimm sleeping on the windowsill. The smell and taste of brie with honey and nuts roasting in the fireplace, candles on the mantle and love in their eyes. The unforgettable memory of a love long awaited.

White noise disturbed the warm murkiness of her subconscious and Lily frowned and rolled over. The memory of James' face after he learned of their baby's sex stained her mind as she was wrenched from sleep.

"Lily, wake up," a voice said, and she rolled over to escape the blurriness of reality.

"There's news, Lils," the voice continued, "you had better come with me."

…

Lily blinked the sleep from her eyes and sat up. Soft light filtered through the window and a cool breeze woke her up completely. She looked to the man who'd spoken, and wasn't surprised to see Remus sitting on the chair, looking exhausted from lack of sleep. A half cup of coffee sat on the nightstand, but it looked untouched.

As realization of reality set in, a sinking feeling began tying knots in her belly. James was still critically (perhaps even fatally) injured. They were still in St. Mungo's, and inexplicably, still in danger.

Lily wished she was still asleep. Unlike reality, she could keep her husband safe in her dreams.

For a week, this waiting game had continued, with everyone around her treating her like spun glass; too fragile to handle reality, and too weak to take care of herself. She maintained her visitation rights with Remus and Sirius so long as she did what the nurses told her to; took her potions, got some rest, and ate whatever the nurses brought from the cafeteria. Like a mindless sheep, she cooperated. It didn't bother her anymore that she was under lock and key. She still slept through entire days and ached to return to bed when up for too long, the muscles in her belly spasming and aching from movement. Whatever had happened to her at the Potter's house had shaken her to her core.

James' parents were missing, and along with the deep feeling of grief that accompanied missing loved ones also came a harrowing feeling of anger. Perhaps if they hadn't come, they would still be okay. They baby would be safe, James would be healthy, and if James' parents were indeed missing (or dead, she shuddered to think) they would be none the wiser. If they hadn't gone that day in March, their lives could have continued much as it had before.

Lily couldn't find it within her to loathe James' loyalty, or to direct her anger at the situation at him, much less his parents, who had always been kind and generous to her. What she truly hated was the situation, and above all, Voldemort for puling them into this mess with an asinine purity complex.

Sirius and Remus mourned with her, and when the time came, cried with her. That would sit by her side and hold her close and soothe away her hiccoughing breaths and brush the tears out of her eyes like he once had. They would tell her that James would be alright, that his parents were fine, that soon this mess of reality would soon be a bad memory. But even they had to leave, and then she was alone. For too many nights she cried herself to sleep fearing the unknown, the love of her life twelve stairs and half the universe away.

As days past, Lily could no longer reconcile this life from her life in their cottage, or even their life back at Hogwarts. This was unbearable, and the stress of a brain injury took her daily to her knees. She could feel the tension in Sirius' muscles when he hugged her, could easily see the circles beneath Remus' eyes and how thin he was getting under his woollen jumpers. They were hurting too, and their grief held in conjunction to hers was bearable, if not only for a time. Hard times were best braced with family around.

But fear as they may, they were reminded by the hour that, at least at the moment, nothing could be done. James' parents could be anywhere, and James himself was still incapacitated. All three of them realized this, but the helplessness of the situation was beginning to grate on everyone's nerves.

There was disturbance from outside the hospital too. Three days ago, there was yelling from the lobby, and Lily shirked at the sight of men in dark robes wrestling with the healers to come in and slipped back into the ward with shaky limbs, praying she remained unseen. This was the first time she had been in London in six months, and she had almost forgotten how dangerous it was to be a Muggleborn. The Death Eaters no longer distinguished between friend and foe, those who stood in their way were eliminated. The healers listed her as half-blood on her chart; and even took her pseudonym on documents to protect her identity. She was sure Catherine knew; Sirius and Remus called her Lily all the time, but if she had noticed the disparity between Lily and Jaqueline Quinner, she made no mention of it.

The delusions of sleep clung to her, and Lily wished she could sink into them and never have to face reality.

She blinked sleepy eyes open, the light of a new dawn on her eyelids. It was morning.

The bed dipped, and she felt a gentle hand on her back. Remus was here. It must be a Tuesday, she thought absentmindedly. He and Sirius took turns waking her.

"Good morning, Lily," Remus said gently. "I've got tea,"

Lily rose quietly, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. Remus pressed a warm mug into her hands, the spicy scent intriguing.

"Spiced herbal?" she asked.

"Something new," he said with a quiet smile. "Picked up a new box on my way here. Cinnamon and spice and a little bit of mint."

Lily breathed in and blew on the mug, (baby blue and chipped, endearingly Remus) taking a little sip. Beautiful.

"Thank you," she said.

"My pleasure," he paused. "Lily, there's news; James is awake."

"Take me to him." she said quickly.

"Now that's the thing," Remus continued, not moving. Lily looked at him oddly. "The healers don't want you to know, they think the extra stress is bad for the baby."

"Now that's ridiculous-,"

"They're right," Remus interrupted, holding her shoulders squarely, putting her cup on the bedside table. "they're not doing this for any other reason than to make you well as quickly as possible."

"You can't possibly agree," Lily said, crossing her arms over her chest.

Remus sighed, and scrubbed his jaw. "I don't agree that keeping you two apart will do any good, yes,"

"What does Sirius had to say about it, Remus? James is _awake!_ He must be terrified. He'll be calling for me."

"I never said that," Remus said, looking away. "I said he's awake. He's not, well, he's not fully with it yet. He's confused."

"What does that mean?" Lily exclaimed, sitting back down on the bed quite against her own will.

"He's been through a lot, Lils, they were watching him through the night. They don't know what hit him yet, so it's too early for much of anything. But he is awake, and I thought you'd like to see him,"

"If the healers don't want me to, how can we?"

Remus smiled, and for the first time since she'd been in hospital, Lily felt a glimmer of hope.

"I need to see him," Lily said, shimming her way down the bed until she sat on the edge of it. "Immediately, help me up."

"Then we need a wheelchair," he said, looking around the room. "I'll go find one."

"Please hurry, the healers are Nazis,"

Remus smiled, and jogged into the hallway.

Lily looked down and cupped her belly. It was unusually hard, the skin pulled taut to the point where it ached. She raised up her gown and looked down. The healer had already told her how dangerous Apparation is for expectant mother; how it can lead to splinching and miscarriages. Lily already knew that her magic was unstable, but if something happened and James' baby died anyways, she would never forgive herself.

But then again, if she hadn't, she would be dead, so she supposed there had been some benefit to what she had done.

"Here," Remus said, taking her hand and helping her into the wheelchair. "But we'd better hurry. I think one of them saw me."

...

The pair met Sirius in the foyer to the second floor, and once Sirius was filled in on the new information, Lily felt another spark in her belly as his face lit up. With a familiar determined look on his face, he took the other handle for her wheelchair and they continued towards James' room.

Remus and Sirius wheeled her down the corridor with as much suave as they could manage, but they only managed to get halfway before Sirius suddenly veered her into a broom cupboard and shut the door behind them.

"I think I saw someone," he said under his breath, a mop hanging over his head precariously.

"It's 11 in the morning," Remus whispered. "It'd be a miracle if we didn't see anyone."

"Shh," Lily said, pulling a drop sheet from the shelf behind her. "Can you cast a glamour, Rem?"

"I think so," Remus said, pulling his wand from his sleeve. "But a Disillusionment might be more practical. Hold still."

Lily sat perfectly still as the water-like feeling of the charm swept over her body, and once it was cast, she shivered from the odd feeling. It felt like an egg had been cracked on her head, with the egg itself slipping down her head onto her shoulders until it left her feeling chilled to the bone.

"Perfectly invisible," Sirius said, and Lily smiled. "Ready, Moony?"

"Definitely, let's go,"

...

It was a miracle in and of itself that they made it to the fourth floor without being stopped. Luckily, the ward was thoroughly occupied with both healers and patients moving about, checking charts, or consulting with other healers and patients, which thankfully made their presence go unnoticed.

"James' room is the last door on the right," Remus whispered above her. Lily's belly churned in anticipation, and a little hope that perhaps he wasn't as badly injured as they said he was.

As they turned the corner, they found James' door slightly ajar, warm sunlight spilling into the corridor. James was with a healer, sitting up and even talking a little. But his eyes brightened as he saw them approach the door and Lily's heart soared.

"Sirius?" James said, surprise in his voice. "What happened to you, mate?"

"What do you mean?" Sirius said with an uncharacteristically flat tone. "I visited day before last. Haven't changed much since then."

"No that can't be right," James said, looking confused. "You too, Moony. Since when did you grow a _beard?"_

Lily looked behind her, and saw Remus looking down sadly, scrubbing his scruffy face.

"James is a little confused this morning," the healer explained sadly. "Are you visiting? We require all guests to sign in at the front desk upon arrival."

"Are you pulling my leg?" James said suddenly, and his nurse jumped. "Where are my _real_ friends? You look like them, but you're not them, too old. Are you sixth years? Playing a joke?"

No one responded, and Lily shifted uncomfortably in her wheelchair. They had been right all along. Her husband was right in front of her, James Potter who didn't even recognize or remember his best friends in the world. They had only starting talking in seventh year; her own husband might not even know who she was.

James scrubbed his forehead, as if he was searching for memories that weren't there, and Lily's heart sank. "What's going on? Who are you people? I don't understand what's going on!"

"There's no need to worry, James." the healer said soothingly, and then turned towards the three of them. "Perhaps it'd be for the best for you to visit another time. James needs peace and quiet."

"Prongs, it's us, I promise," Remus said gently, "Believe me,"

"Who _are_ you? You can't possibly be Moony, he's far too spotty and short." James paused. "Remus Lupin never had a brother, but who else could you be?"

"I need him to see me, Sirius," Lily hissed, her nerves frayed. "Take this damn thing off me,"

"Who's there?" James called out, and Lily froze. "Did you nick my Cloak?"

Sirius slowly drew his wand and removed the charm, and James' eyes grew wide as saucers as the Disillusionment charm slipped off her body.

"Lily?" he said, "Is that you, Evans?"

"James, do you remember me?" Lily said, fighting to keep tears at bay.

"Course I do, you're Lily Evans, the fittest bird in our year."

"What the hell..." Sirius said under his breath.

"You haven't called me that in years," Lily said.

"-You look different, like them," James said, and his eyes grew impossibly larger when they fell to her swollen belly. "You're-you're..."

"Pregnant, mate," Sirius said.

"I'm going to kill him," James said, his jaw set. "Where is he?"

"What?" Lily said indignantly.

"The fucker who got you _pregnant,_ that's who."

"James-," she pleaded. "James listen to me,"

He began to rise out of bed, his face red and his eyes blazing. Lily shrunk back in fear of him, and Remus pulled her chair back away from him.

"James you're scaring me," Lily said shakily.

"Who was it?"

"What?"

"Who was it, Evans _?"_ James shouted. "Who did _this_ to you?"

" _James,"_ Remus said severely. "Take it easy, mate,"

James breathed heavily, and sat on the edge of his bed. His healer looked petrified, but kept a steady hand on her wand.

"Was it Snape, Evans?" James said, his voice deadly and quiet.

"No,"

"Did he touch you?" he said, his hard look making her uncomfortable. "Did he put his greasy hands on you?"

"No! I promise it wasn't him!"

James made to get out of bed and Lily froze in fear, but before he could, the healer stunned him, and he fell like a stone back into his pillows.

"Best not to get him agitated," she said. "Just in case."

Lily let out a shaky breath and broke down completely, still in her wheelchair, and sobbed into Sirius' shoulder wishing it was James' for what felt like a small eternity. Her husband didn't remember the best years of her life, and he had forgotten completely that the child in her belly was theirs.

...

The Healers stopped them in the hall, which was unsurprising, because even with the drop sheet and the Disillusionment charm, Lily was losing it. Her shaking shoulders and hiccoughing breaths littered the corridor, and within minutes, she was surrounded by healers.

The healers chastised her at alarming rates as they swarmed around her with wands and clipboards. Her regular healer, Catherine, was in every morning and evening to check on her. Or so Sirius said, she wasn't usually awake, and what she could remember was disjointed, a muddle in her brain she couldn't hope to sort through. Her husband didn't remember her. James Potter, the love of her life, didn't know who she was and what she meant to him. She was devastated.

"Why in Merlin's name did you leave your room?" one asked, waving her wand over her entire body. "You're on strict bedrest!"

"I-I had to see him," Lily said shakily, "I need to be there for him,"

"You need to think of yourself first," Catherine said, and Lily sighed.

"I can't just abandon him," she said, "he needs me!"

"Who's idea was it?" the ginger healer asked, and Lily had the distinct feeling that she was being chastised by McGonagall for being caught out of bed.

"It was mine," Sirius said, and Lily sniffed. "He's my best mate, and he just woke up; his wife _should_ see him."

"We were very careful," Remus said, putting a hand on her shoulder. "she didn't stand up, and she really was sitting the whole time. No harm was done."

"I understand your plight, really, I do. But this is _foolish_ , Lily! You're smarter than this. Mr Potter is stable, but it's you who refuses to let yourself heal. These things take time, even with magic."

"Just let me see my husband," Lily pleaded.

"No," she said firmly.

"Why not?"

"Because any sudden increase to your blood pressure or unusual movement to your abdomen could have catastrophic consequences." She answered practically, waving her wand over Lily's abdomen and frowning at the result. "You're simply not well enough to see him again."

"He's my husband, I need to be by his side."

"No, what you need to do is get better before thinking of others," another healer said, a ginger one this time. Lily rolled her eyes.

"You ever been married, lady?"

The red headed healer stopped suddenly and faced her.

"No,"

"Then you have no right to tell me what I should and should not do. Let me see him." The healer sighed and left.

"If you are well enough, obey your healers and get enough rest, I'll see about arranging a visit for the end of the week," Catherine said, handing her a plastic cup full of a fizzing blue liquid.

"Drink up," she said. "It's nothing to be hesitant about. This is a calming draught, mixed in with something to help you sleep. I need you calm now, for the baby's sake. Both of you need to heal, and that takes time."

Lily sighed and knocked the blue liquid down. Before she could even register the taste, she was asleep.

…

By the time she woke, Catherine was there again, Sirius and Remus sitting attentively by her beside. Before she could say anything, the healer handed her another potion, and ordered her to drink heartily.

"How's James?" she asked.

"Stable, sleeping, just like he was a minute ago,"

"But _how_ is he? Do you know why he's forgotten?"

"No,"

"You don't even have an _idea?"_ Lily asked, "Not even an inclination?"

"Lils," Remus said, holding her hand tightly. "She's not against you, just hear her out."

"We've talked about this, Lily," Catherine said. "What we do know is shaky and not necessarily accurate. We simply do not have enough information to make a diagnosis."

"He doesn't remember me," Lily said, "I asked him that day, he remembered me from a long time ago, back when we were in Hogwarts!"

There was a knock at the door, and a man in healers robes walked in, gently shutting the door behind him. He was tall and dark, his skin like coffee beans with kind eyes. A Quick Quotes Quill hovered behind him, jotting down notes.

"Good afternoon, Mrs Potter," he said, offering his hand, which she shook. "My name is Geoffrey Denarus. I work in the Spell Damage ward of St. Mungo's. The tests we ran for Mr Potter have returned, and we have a clue to what's wrong with him."

"You do?" Lily said.

"The curse is degenerative," Geoffrey said. "That much we know for certain. This in and of itself is troubling, as with every day that goes by without treatment is a day more memories are lost. Most likely not for good, as no memories are ever truly forgotten, and with the appropriate exercises and medications I believe I can bring them back. But here's the tricky part, the longer he was under the influence of the original spell, the more memories he lost. We'll understand the fuller extent of the damage once he is able to speak for extended periods of time."

"Yes," Lily said stiffly.

"And you, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, were his dorm mates?"

"Yeah, but hold on, you don't know how much he'll remember?" Sirius said. "You can't tell us _anything?_ She's worried sick, y'know. This isn't the time to make false promises to make us feel better. We can handle it."

"Speak for yourself, mate." Remus said, and Lily wiped tears from her eyes.

"It could be months, maybe years of memories lost to him. We haven't seen a memory alteration spell like this before. but we're doing all we can for him, and what he needs now more than anything is reassurance and rest. Lots of rest."

"Can-can I take him home?" Lily said quietly. Remus and Sirius spun to look at her.

"No," Geoffrey said, scrubbing his stubbly face morosely. "No, I'm afraid not. He'll need close monitoring for some time. He's still a high risk patient, and so are you, for that matter. Apparating in your second trimester is dangerous for mother and child, and we're far from ready to let you out of our sights, lovely Lily. For right now, you need to stay calm for your own sake and rest."

"What I need is to be with James, my _husband_ and make sure he's going to be alright. I'm not leaving his side."

"Okay," said Catherine. "I'll assign visiting hours, three times a week for an hour at a time. But only so long as you listen to your healers and do what they tell you. Rest, gain weight back and take the potions they give you."

"Fine," Lily said and Catherine nodded. They had a deal.

….

"He's going to be okay?"

"They don't know," Sirius said. "The curse was unlike anything they've ever seen; Dark magic of some sort, it had to have been. A memory alteration spell, they were right."

Lily groaned and sank back into her pillows, her fluffy, secure escape route from reality.

"He didn't recognize me," Sirius said, scrubbing his face with his hands. "I told him who I am and he forgets instantly. Says I'm taller."

"Taller?"

"Yeah, it's like he knows who I am, Sirius Black is a name he knows, but I'm like fifteen in his mind. Fifteen and short."

"Fifteen? That's-,"

"Sixth year, yeah," Sirius says. "Before you two got your heads out of your arses."

"He was dating Amelia in sixth year," Remus said quietly. "Remember? He said later that he was trying to make Lily jealous."

Sirius sighed and threw his arm around her, and Lily tucked herself into his side, letting herself feel warm and safe if only for a moment. Remus took her other hand and she cried in earnest, the reality of the situation pressing in on her from all sides.

"He loves you, Lily, I knew he did longer than he did, he's always loved you."

"But what if he doesn't?" She said. "What if he never remembers what we used to be, Sirius? What then?"

"Then you get to fall in love with James Potter again," he said gently, kissing her forehead. "Lucky you, not everybody gets that chance."


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily copes with solitude in quite a different capacity as James' confusion over the past comes to light.

It was4:53 PM, and for four long hours, Lily had stared at the wall. It was a very boring wall, as far as walls went; white and with the strange sheen of too many applications of a scouring charm. It was dusty too, a strange off-white colour. Not quite eggshell, it had a little more contrast, but still undeniably white. Hospital white. 

Lily had been in a hospital a grand total of three times prior to this unintentional detour to London. Once, when she was a child, she had fallen down the stairs and broken three toes on her left foot. Her dad had carried her and held her tight while she cried into his shoulder, more scared than hurt. It seemed so silly now, she was seven years old, too big to be foolish around the staircase, but there it was. She must’ve been distracted, maybe she had missed a step or tripped over the cat. The next thing she knew, she was in hospital, sitting on a bed with a paper sheet beneath her while the Doctor set her toes back to the correct alignment. Her dad had told her later that he warned the Doctor to tell her what she was doing and when she would do it. Lily wasn’t one for surprises, and even at seven years old, she liked to be informed of what was going on, especially if she had no control over what was happening. She remembered looking down at her hands, her mum had painted her nails for a neighbours birthday party and the blue paint had begun to chip. The Doctor had done something unexpectedly, and Lily kicked (quite unintentionally, or so her dad said later) that Doctor in the nose and her dad had laughed and laughed. Served her right, he said. You told her to tell you what she was doing. 

The second was at Hogwarts. Third year. James and Sirius had charmed the fourth floor staircase to turn into a slide, and she had hit her head rather badly on the bannister. James had told her later that they had intended to trick Snape, but hadn’t seen her until it was already too late. She didn’t hate James Potter in third year, he was annoying but not towards her. He was sweet, and could’ve been a good friend had he not been best mates with Sirius Black; who had taunted her in the hallways for being a know it all four months prior. James apologized to her, late at night in the Hospital Wing, and told her that he didn’t mean to. That he hoped that she’d be alright. He left her a vase of wildflowers before he left, and she later pressed them between her copy ofNumerology and Grammaticaso her roommates wouldn’t find it. 

The last was a few years ago, that time James had gotten cursed by a Death Eater during a mission for the Order. He was hit by a blinding purple light, cast from behind them and James had just happened to turn when it hit. The curse had left strange bruising on his side and stomach, oozing purple and green bruises as she and Sirius clawed at his clothes for any sign of damage. He suddenly dropped, and then shook violently, as if possessed. From behind their Death Eater mask, the man who had cursed James was laughing, and before he could curse another one of them, Sirius Apparated the three of them to St. Mungo’s. They had been in the spell damage ward that time, four doors down from where James was presently. It had been muggy, that day. A bit damp too, left over from an overnight thunderstorm. James had been lying pale and unconscious and Lily had never felt smaller. Never weaker, never more incapable of aid or unable to help. It was up to him now, the healers had said. They had already done all they could, but only so much could be done for a spell they had no knowledge of. It could’ve been anything, but nothing could be quite as worse as this painful unknowing. 

Sirius had held her hand that day, and Remus the other. Peter lingered in the background, one hand on her shoulder, the other in James Potter’s back pocket, looking from consolidation, for affirmation, for the quiet nod in the midst of all this tragedy that he was doing the right thing by locking himself away. For hours they stood there, and when Lily could stand it no longer, she slid into bed beside her husband and breathed in his scent. Her Amortentia, espresso and broomstick polish and freshly cut grass. inhale, exhale, she breathed him in with the thought of preserving that man forever, as if by will alone she could sustain him. She was nineteen years old and a newlywed; scared out of her wits, but his gentle breaths rocked her to sleep and when he held her it felt like nothing could ever be wrong. This was right, she thought as she floated into sleep; this was the way it should be. 

Five hours and forty-two minutes later,at 3:19 AM, James Potter woke up, and Lily breathed a sigh of relief. He had pulled through, and the potions the healers had administered seemed to have kicked in. His colour was good, his breathing was excellent and best of all he was no longer in life-threatening danger. 

He would be okay. 

But this was different. Different curse, different reason for jumping in front of a curse for the people he loved, and instead of being by his side, they were so far apart that it tore at her very being. James was being kept from her, she confused him, halted any progress the healers may have made with his memory. Her being someone from his future was complicated, he was missing years of his memory, and she had been told that he had been calling for his parents in his sleep, who were also missing. 

Remus and Sirius visited, and on Thursday Peter even stopped by to offer his condolences (and famous chocolate butter squares, which were gone in fifteen minutes flat). Sirius brought her some comforts from home,Little Women,of course, but alsoWuthering HeightsandMansfield Park,along with toiletries and clothes. Between visits she read, drank tea and took the potions Catherine had laid out for her. She found a new tin of cream of Earl Grey on her bedside table one morning, and made her mind up to invite that healer, Melody to tea. 

Her wand was on the bedside table, chipped and familiar. She’d bought it with her parents in Diagon Alley when she was eleven. It was the first wand she picked up, it hadchosenher. For seven years it had served her faithfully, always doing what she needed it to, learning alongside her how to preform magic, how to protect herself and others. For seven years, the thin piece of willow had been by her side, and every day since then magic had been in her thoughts. Who was she without it? But for the first time, her magicscaredher. 

It looked so innocent, she thought, just lying there, like it was harmless. But that wand could hurt, that piece of wood was more than a tool, it was a weapon. 

It’s funny, she thought. That it wasn’t until after the accident that she realized how dangerous her life had become. She wasn’t in hiding any longer, and the visibilityprickled her skin and turned her nerves on edge. She could be seen, and her visibility was what had turned her disillusioned life into a nightmare. She wanted to escape, to be alone, they meant well but she couldn’t handle it any longer. She needed James, they were in abominable danger, and she wouldn’t rely on the pity of her healers for her safety. She was woman, and Lily Potter wasstrongdammit, no matter what anybody else said. She could beat it, push past her fear; break free. She had done it all before and could do it all again, she knew she could. Lily could handle abhorrent circumstance when happening to herself, she could take the pain and the frustration of her own body, but once bad news was bestowed unto a loved one, she was putty. When it happened to them, her pain tolerance dissolved. She could take the morning sickness, the sore back, the nightmares and the loneliness but the moment a loved one was in danger she’d doanythingto make it better. 

She was afraid of herself, afraid of what she could do. Suddenly she was eleven again and afraid of what this Professor McGonagall told her she was. Wasn’t plain Lily Evans enough? Couldn’t she be normal, just this once? The look in her sisters eyes that day would haunt her to her dying day; that was the moment she lost her. Because of magic, she no longer had a sister who loved her. 

She had known that her magic could be unstable, but she had no idea that she could do the damage she had done. 

Her magic had saved their lives, but not fast enough. Not fast enough to save James. 

Her time alone was damaging, the more she slept and dreamed, the more she shook with nightmares about that terrible day. The Death Eaters surrounding them, the flash of light, the blood pumping through her veins as she waited in the attic haunted her. James falling, James bleeding, James dying; her husband lying unconscious and without five years of his memories. There was nothing she could do, only good fortune could help him now. 

Lily didn’t believe in luck, no one had ever gone out their way to call Lily Potter superstitious and perhaps never would. She didn’t place stock in magic eight balls or Divination, the universe was indifferent to the superfluousness of chance, and was rarely lazy enough to do the same thing twice. 

Still, Lily waited. 

For hours, she stared at the door waiting for someone (anyone, really) to come in. The silence of the ward was deafening, but she couldn’t shake the sensation that she was being watched. Not by the healers, but by someone else, someone who didn’t belong and wouldn’t remain anonymous for long. 

Lupin didn’t take to her fits of hysteria, saying she really just needed to rest. 

“Give yourself a break, Lily,” Remus said soothingly, "Take a nice bath, tell Pads to paint your toes.” 

Sirius sighed. “I’m not a nail technician, you know. I think you people forget that.” 

“She’s pregnant and sad, Sirius. Paint her nails.” 

Sirius looked down at his own nails as if wondering why someone hadn’t done his own recently. “Mauve or green?” 

Lily sat up with a groan and swung her legs over the edge of her hospital bed, bracing her hands on either side of her hips. 

“You did mauve last time. Let’s try green.” 

Sirius smiled quietly and pulled the pedicure equipment, transfiguring Remus’ chair into a stool and one of her pillows into a foot bath. For the next hour and a half, they sat and laughed about the good old times at Hogwarts, baby names and everything in-between. For a moment Lily could almost forget reality in exchange for this bubble of laughter and relaxation, as if nothing existed behind those doors and they were alone. 

“Don’t splash me!” Sirius exclaimed, shaking water out of his hair, when Lily’s leg shook silently. "Splash him! He’s the bully here. Got away with it forseven yearsat Hogwarts, but not anymore. May it be known that the the one who flooded the charms corridor with pink foam for Valentines Day in sixth year was Remus Lupin,the little shit who let me get detention for it!” 

“That was you?” Lily said, laughing.  

Remus nodded pensively. “And the time after fifth year when Snape said, well, y’know, it was me who jinxed his book bag to run away from him for the rest of the school year.” 

Lily shook her head. “I can’t believe it, all this time I thought it was James and Sirius causing the chaos, but it was you all along!” 

“The gentle werewolf persona does me benefit,” Remus said good-naturedly . “I get away with a lot more than people are willing to admit.” 

An hour later, the pair rose and hugged her tightly, and she waved them goodbye. 

Until next time, she thought, and laid back into her pillows with Wuthering Heights. 

... 

Sirius was a great source of comfort to James, as were the other Marauders. They were familiar, they were always there for him, and no one could sift through the bullshit of half-truths like James Potter. He knew that they were keeping things from him, his best friends, and he was furious, everyone could tell. They had told him how many years he had forgotten, what had changed, but what was still the same too. 

It took less than four hours for James to ask after Lily, and after a deal was brokered between herself and her healers, it was decided that she would visit for an hour three times a week to calm his nerves. 

The morning leading up to their first visit felt like waiting for a hearing, her palms were sweaty and her nerves fried, and she felt as if she was meeting the prime minister of a far off country rather than her own husband. 

Sirius had brought her favourite tartan nightie, it smelled so familiar, the soft flannel brought back memories of those nights spent with James in their cottage on the North sea, and she clung to it like a lifeline. They’d return, the two of them, this wasn’t the end. 

She refused to accept defeat, they could fix this, she could have her husband back again. 

She twirled her wand between her fingertips. She was pretty handy with beauty charms, having magically straightened her roommate Mary’s hair from its unmanageable curls into some sort of order, oh years and years ago. She transfigured a healers chart into a mirror and looked herself in the eyes, and was unhappy with what she saw. 

The woman in front of her was tired, with deep bags beneath her eyes and a spot of acne on her forehead, clutching her nightie in her fists like a vice. This wouldn’t do, James wouldn’t want her to give up on herself either. 

Mary had told her once that after a good cry is putting on completely new clothes, so she did so. After stepping out of her nightgown, she draped it carefully over her footboard and chose a nice pair of Muggle jeans and a comfortable jumper, familiar and soft but new. She brushed her hair and tucked it behind her ears, putting her wand in her back pocket. That’s better she thought. 

Lily stole a glance at the clock, two minutes until she was expected. She stood up straight, pushed her shoulders back and opened the door. 

... 


End file.
